Be Cool
dir. Gray
Opens Fri Mar 4
Various Theaters

You've played "mad libs," right? Where you throw various nouns and verbs into the blanks of an incomplete story to hilarious effect? Well, that's what we're doing right now, so sharpen your pencil, and write down the following words on a separate sheet of paper--and yes, there is a point to all this: 1) Pick any ethnicity. 2) Choose the most bland singer you can think of. 3) Choose an occupation. 4) Choose an extreme racial stereotype. 5) Choose another occupation. 6) Same as #4. 7) Pick any noun. 8) Same ethnicity as #1. 9) Noun. 10) Noun. 11) The name of a deadly weapon combined with a bland surname. And 12) a creepy substance.

Okay, now take those words and put them into the appropriate blanks as I describe the plot to Get Shorty's sequel, Be Cool. John Travolta plays Chili Palmer, a former east coast goombah who uses his mob-style talents to make a name for himself as a movie producer in Hollywood. After a record company owner is gunned down by a 1._____ mobster, Chili decides to move into the music business, advancing the career of a young ingénue singer (2._____) and romancing the dead label owner's wife (Uma Thurman). He soon learns the music industry is a deadly one, and he's forced to outsmart a 3._____ who talks like a 4._____(Vince Vaughn), his gay 5._____ (The Rock), and another label owner (Harvey Keitel) who also talks like a 6._____ and has 7._____ all over his face. Plus he has to deal with members of the 8._____ mob (one of whom wears a ridiculous looking 9._____ on his head), a 10._______-educated Suge Knight wannabe (Cedric the Entertainer), Steven Tyler from the rock band 11._____, and a rockabilly hit man, played by Robert Pastorelli, who in real life died of a 12._____ overdose last year. Creepy.

Congratulations, you've just constructed a plot that makes twice as much sense as the completely befuddling, deeply unamusing Be Cool. With talent like yours, you should move to Hollywood! (All you need is a head full of _____.)