E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial
dir. Spielberg
Opens Fri, March 22
Various Theaters

First of all, I've never seen E.T.--before now, that is. See, in 1982 I turned my back on commercial Hollywood fare, and vowed to watch only "art" films. However, by the time I came to my senses, there was so much overexposure surrounding Spielberg's film, I didn't waste my time with it. Now, here we are 20 years later, I've finally seen it, and let me tell you, folks; Take it from someone who has a fresh perspective. That film is BULLSHIT. And I'm not talking about the blatant manipulation Spielberg uses to turn your brain to mush! I'm saying this film is bullshit on the deepest level--and probably caused irreparable harm to the United States of America.

Let's take the plot: A bunch of tortoise-headed motherfuckers visit our planet. Why? To share superior technology? NO. To wipe out famine and disease? NO. They want to pick flowers. And then leave with them! But put that aside for now. One tortoise-headed motherfucker gets left behind, and is discovered by this kid Elliott--and does Elliott do the right thing and contact the authorities? NO. He hides him in the closet, where they spend the rest of the film jerking around eating Reese's Pieces, which almost kills E.T. dead!

Okay. So it's 20 years later, and thanks to Spielberg spreading his infantile distrust of authority figures, we're stuck with an ineffectual government, and a bunch of terrorists kicking us in the nuts! See, there is not one iota of proof in that film that the government agents were going to harm E.T.! For all we know, they might have simply gleaned some knowledge to help our planet, and then let him go! Ohhhh, but NO. Elliott was a distrustful selfish bastard, and dicked around until it was too late for science to learn anything!

Do you see? Finally? Spielberg and Elliott have dehumanized authority figures to the point where the survival of our species actually comes in SECOND to making sure E.T. gets a nice bicycle ride, before stealing our flowers and laughing his way home with a bunch of tortoise-headed motherfuckers! And that's BULLSHIT!

Drew Barrymore was awful cute, though.