The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle
Once upon a time, a badly-drawn cartoon dependent upon pained sarcasm was shown on national television. This was clearly a horrible idea, appealing only to the least ambitious adults and most awkward children, and it was quickly pulled. 30-some years later, Robert De Niro thought differently. He wanted to make a movie. Somewhere along the line, he apparently wanted to make a successful movie, implanting a desperately cute gal whose inner child (literally) cries out for indulgence. In the process, mangling together a bitterly knowing narration with third generation Disney schmaltz they managed to make a film for nobody--confusing the tots and irritating the cultish faithful. Moose and squirrel wander through, company men, never once questioning the pace. (Jay Horton) Avalon Theatre, Bagdad Theater

Alice et Martin
Juliette Binoche and Mathieu Almaric play Alice and Martin, a pair of complicated people in a complicated relationship. Exploring power dynamic through sensuality, age, and class, this 1998 Andre Techine film is beautiful, if a little depressing. See review this issue. Koin Center

The All Black Scopitone and Soundie Show
In the days before MTV, scopitones were all the rage! Check out these fine examples of rock videos on film from the '60s, along with a selection of black and white soundies from the '40s. Clinton Street Theatre

The Art of War
Wesley Snipes stars as the brother with 1000 faces in this yawny espionage thriller. 82nd Avenue, City Center 12, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Hilltop, Movies on TV, Oak Grove 8 Theater, Westgate

Autumn in New York
An aging playboy, Richard Gere, falls for the younger and terminally ill Winona Ryder, leaving us terminally ill in the process. Century Eastport 16, City Center 12, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Movies on TV, Oak Grove 8 Theater, Westgate

* Barton Fink
The Coen Brothers directed this fable about a trendy New York playwright who holes up in a seedy hotel to work on a B-movie script. Things then go from weird to worse. Laurelhurst Theater

Big Momma's House
Martin Lawrence is back, and he's got a big old prosthetic ass. Where do I sign? Avalon Theatre, Mission Theater

* The Blaxploitation Trailer Show
Terrific trailers from some of the truly great black movies including The Jazz Singer, Truck Turner, Sheba Baby and more! Clinton Street Theatre

Bless the Child
Why is the fate of the universe always left to adorable six-year-old kids? Director Mace Neufeld's attempt to recapture the chilling ambiance that he produced in the "The Omen" is a tough row to hoe, especially with super-ho' Kim Basinger playing a recovering Catholic who, in the midst of an all-out war between good, evil, the Messiah, and the Devil, has the audacity to question her faith. Why not just worry about your nails, Kim? Still, in spite of Basinger's annoying navel gazing, there are some gripping plot twists and pretty cool special effects to boot. 82nd Avenue, Lloyd Mall, Movies on TV, Oak Grove 8 Theater, Washington Square Center

* Blood Simple
A vulgar tale of small town thieves and liars, Blood Simple is gloriously corrupt, full of iconic small town caricatures including a fantastically baroque M. Emmet Walsh in what is his best screen role to date. Hollywood Theatre

* Blue Collar
Paul Schrader's directorial debut from the early '70s, Blue Collar is a searing indictment of the Detroit automobile assembly line, starring Richard Pryor, Yaphet Kotto, and Harvey Keitel. Clinton Street Theatre

A Boy and His Dog
It's the year 2024 and (once again!) the world has been creamed by apocalypse. Don "Nash Bridges" Johnson and his telepathic dog (?!) stumble upon an impotent colony. Hilarity ensues when they try to get his sperm. Hollywood Theatre

Bring it On
High school cheerleaders must endure endless practices and bikini waxes to compete in the national championships! Century Eastport 16, City Center 12, Clackamas Town Center, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Hilltop, Lloyd Mall, Movies on TV, Oak Grove 8 Theater, Westgate

* But I'm a Cheerleader
Director Jamie Babbitt's feature debut may be a bit forced, but Natasha Lyonne as a cheerleader thought to be lesbian, is both believable and charming. Lyonne is sent to a homosexual rehabilitation camp run by RuPaul and Cathy Moriarty, and learns the valuable lesson that sexual orientation isn't as cut and dried as one might think. (Wm. Steven Humprey) Koin Center

Cecil B. Demented
A lunatic guerilla film maker and his cronies kidnap a Hollywood starlet and force her to act in their movie. Directed by John Waters. See review this issue. Cinema 21

* The Cell
Viewed conceptually, this film is remarkable: an acutley visual journey through a serial killer's mind that is both deranged and ethereal. To achieve this, director Tarsem Duamdwar uses special effects in a unique way, one that relies not only on sophisticated, expensive technology, but also preys on your worst fears of sex, violence, and insanity--all presented in surprisingly beautiful aesthetics; Even when Killer D'Onofrio is slowly twirling out the intestines of Vince Vaughn, he does so with delicate scissors in a celestial room adorned with garish, golden decadence. The whole movies smacks of Alice in Wonderland, yet relies on the founding images of Catholicism; at one point Jennifer Lopez appears as Virgin Mary, ready to kill the evil beast with her enormous sword. Unfortunately, Lopez and her co-star Vince Vaughn remain true to the same, paper-thin characters they always play; beautiful, compassionate, out to save the world, blah, blah, blah. But the movie is undoubtedly worth seeing anyway--just think of them as background. (Katia Dunn) Broadway Metroplex, City Center 12, Clackamas Town Center, Division Street, Eastgate, Evergreen Parkway, Hilltop, Movies on TV, Oak Grove 8 Theater, Westgate

* Chicken Run
Chicken Run is about chickens trying to escape. It is very funny and exciting; each chicken has a great sense of humor and is weird. (Sam Lachow & Maggie Brown) Century Eastport 16, Evergreen Parkway, Lloyd Mall, Milwaukie 3 Theater, Movies on TV

* The City of Lost Children
Hands down, one of the most visually stunning, heartbreaking, surreal films ever made. Jean-Pierre Jeunet and Marc Caro's (Delicatessen) compelling, sympathetic tale of a little girl named Miette (and other scraggly orphans) who must face a nightmarish world of creepy adults and frightening villains who have lost the ability to dream. A must-see on the big screen, especially if you're slightly tipsy. Hollywood Theatre

The Cool World
A stark look at 1960's Harlem, Shirley Clarke's film stars Hampton Clanton, Clarence Williams III, Antonio "Huggy Bear" Fargas, and Dizzy Gillespie. Clinton Street Theatre

Coyote Ugly
Inspired by a 1997 GQ article by Liz Gilbert (who worked and met her husband at the Coyote Ugly Saloon), this Jerry Bruckheimer film replaces Gilbert the writer with Violet Sanford the song writer, and turns her story into a Horatio Alger novel set in a New York bar. Only, the Coyote Ugly Saloon is more than just a bar: It is a bar with attitude, a bar with sass. It is a wild world of ruthless, sexually empowered women bartenders. It is a subculture in itself, and one that lets Violet (Picabo Perabo), the small town girl in the big city, find herself. No surprises, not too much depth, just good, old-fashioned Americana rehashed with flare (and flesh) for the modern world. (Frank Bures) Century Eastport 16, Clackamas Town Center, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Milwaukie 3 Theater, Movies on TV, Washington Square Center

The Crew
Four retired gangsters plan one last heist to raise money for a new colostomy bag. Century Eastport 16, City Center 12, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Hilltop, Movies on TV

* Croupier
Mike Hodges' 1998 masterpiece Croupier makes a convincing case that a sleazy and specialized profession-in this case, the guy who rolls the ball and collects the chips at a roulette table--is a perfect metaphor for existential malaise. (Sean Nelson) Cinemagic

Dance Black America
A documentary on black dance in America featuring jazz, tap, break dancing, and jump rope. Clinton Street Theatre

Eyes of Tammy Faye
A documentary on the rise and fall of former evangelist, druggie, and eyeliner addict, Tammy Faye Baker. Broadway Metroplex

Ferris Bueller's Day Off
Matthew Broderick stars as the most unlikeable character in modern cinema. Ferris' attempts at hedonism not only endanger his closest friends, but annoys the entire city of Chicago with his loathsome rendition of "Twist and Shout." Kennedy School Theatre

* Films on the Lawn
An outdoor film series (located in the backyard of DaVinci Arts Middle School, NE Couch between 27th and 28th) focusing on raising awareness on diverse social topics. This week features local filmmakers strutting their stuff. Included in the evening's entertainment is collage animation by Laura Klein, a film about demolition derby by Ben Cornish and a documentary on the sewing community by Phoebe Owens. DaVinci Middle School Lawn

The Five Senses
Like trying to separate taste from smell, the characters of this film blend into one intimate experience. A cake maker, a masseuse, a mother of a missing child, and the freakish teenager who lost the young girl: all of these female characters proceed as an amalgamation. The film is exciting with surprises, a quality that fits nicely with its title. Something is vacant at the very center, though, and I suspect it's the uniting element of the senses: unconsciousness. Then, the story finishes by resolving itself too poignantly. (PAULA GILOVICH) Koin Center

* Gladiator
Director Ridley Scott tramps through the standard gladiator movie plot like a tipsy party host, embracing each and every clichè like a dear old friend. War hero General Maximus (Russell Crowe) is stripped of his position by a scheming, new Caesar (Joaquin Phoenix). Escaping too late to save his family, Maximus falls into the hands of a slaver (the late Oliver Reed), and with the help of a former love and his rough-but-likable gladiator pals, seeks his revenge by finding glory within the Coliseum. Scott then uses all the technical advantages of modern film making to make the details as lavish as possible. (Tom Spurgeon) Avalon Theatre, Bagdad Theater, Edgefield Powerstation, Kennedy School Theatre, Kiggins Theater, Laurelhurst Theater, Mt. Hood Theater

Godzilla 2000
Forget that crappy-ass film with Matthew Broderick! This is the real Japanese-style shit! Godzilla can't get a good millennium's sleep without some asshole monster waking him up. This time a floating rock washes up which contains a UFO which also happens to contain a monster named Gora! Gora gets all in Godzilla's shit, which forces Big G to burn Gora's ass off with his atomic ray. Films don't get much more subtle than this. (Wm. Steven Humprey) 82nd Avenue, City Center 12, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Lloyd Mall, Movies on TV, Oak Grove 8 Theater, Washington Square Center

Harlem in the Twenties
Featuring some of the '20s greatest performers including Bessie Smith, Duke Ellington, Don Redman, Jimmy Mordecai, and more! Clinton Street Theatre

* High Fidelity
A romantic comedy for guys: John Cusack plays the cynically introspective Rob Gordon, the owner of a small record store. For various reasons, he has shit luck with women. Basically, he's a jerk, but he's not altogether clueless about his jerkiness. He struggles and obsesses and makes lists that he thinks define his life, but he's no closer to understanding women than he was in the fifth grade--which happens to be when he got dumped for the first time. Based on the popular novel of the same name. (Kathleen Wilson) Cinemagic

The Hollow Man
Kevin Bacon stars as a scientist who discovers a serum for turning invisible. Which reminds me, a really good question to ask someone when you're just starting to date them is "Would you rather be able to fly, or turn invisible?" If they say "fly," then they're a keeper. People who wanna turn invisible are always sneaking around and getting in your shit. Never trust people who want to be invisible. Especially if it's Kevin Bacon. Century Eastport 16, City Center 12, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Hilltop, Milwaukie 3 Theater, Movies on TV, Oak Grove 8 Theater, Washington Square Center

Jesus' Son
Sterling adaptation of the 1992 story collection by Denis Johnson. The '70s drug culture is the setting for Maclean's second feature (after Crush, with Marcia Gay Harden). Billy Crudup is the tirelessly sweet-hearted and soft-headed "FH" (for Fuckhead), a well-meaning junkie who wide-eye puppy-dogs his way through life and love with a lost soul named Michelle (Samantha Morton), both angel and very mortal woman; and his increasingly bizarre encounters with a menagerie of lost souls, all of whom soon agree he's earned his nickname. With Denis Leary, Dennis Hopper, and Holly Hunter. (Ray Pride) Laurelhurst Theater

The Kid
It's a good idea to come in about 10 minutes late to this movie. I did, and consequently I held on to a small hope throughout that I missed the beginning part that made sense of Bruce Willis hanging out with a little kid during his power lunches with rock stars in LA. Without this hope, I probably would have left the theater half way through, after the 100th scene of Bruce and the kid bonding over yet another of grandma's chocolate milkshakes, a dog named Chester, and a shared I'm-so-glad-we're-both-from-a-dysfunctional-family sentiment. Unfortunately, the only thing that happened by the end was that a 75-year-old Bruce Willis shows up to tell Bruce the first and Bruce the second not to worry, because he eventually grows up and gets the girl, the plane, and the dog. Too bad he still played a painfully shallow character in a painfully boring movie. Century Eastport 16, Movies on TV, Tigard-Joy Theater

Me, Myself and Irene
Carrey, who is a great physical actor and occasionally very funny in this movie, succumbs to the temptation to rely on the ghastliness of his face rather than the sincerity of his feelings. (D.K.. Holm) Avalon Theatre, Bagdad Theater, Laurelhurst Theater

It's World War II, and eight virile Italian soldiers are stuck on a small, Greek island. Luckily, they have more than enough sun, food, and lucious villagers to go around. Winner of the 1991 Best Foreign Film award. Fifth Avenue Cinema

* Mission: Impossible 2
I loved this movie. I loved the vertiginous helicopter swoops as Tom Cruise scales an impossibly sheer cliff to receive his impossible mission. But most of all, I loved the giddy sense of hyperbole and spectacle that coursed through the whole enterprise. (Sean Nelson) Avalon Theatre, Kiggins Theater, Laurelhurst Theater, Mt. Hood Theater

No Smoking
Director Alain Resnais adapted this film (a companion piece to Smoking) from playwright Alan Ayckbourn's Intimate Exchanges. Sabine Azema and Pierre Arditti play nine characters in a Yorkshire school, and yes, the main character does not smoke. Northwest Film Center at Whitsell Auditorium

Nutty Professor II: The Klumps
Eddie Murphy returns (Why? Why? WHY??) as Sherman Klump in this sequel to the remake of the Jerry Lewis classic. This time, the apparently brainwashed Janet Jackson is pulled into the mire as Sherman's scientist girlfriend who helps him defeat his alter ego, the ultra-suave Buddy Love. 82nd Avenue, City Center 12, Hilltop, Movies on TV, Oak Grove 8 Theater, St. John's Theater

* Omega Man
Charlton Heston and his hottie concubine take on post-apocalyptic luddites with pyrotechnics, some tight pants, and his astonishingly big wooden teeth. See review this issue. Hollywood Theatre

The Opportunists
A middling Sundance entry, a too-low-key caper item about a body shop operator (Christopher Walken, Walken-ish as always) who doesn't want to return to his days as a safecracker. Complications ensue when a long-lost Irish cousin (Peter McDonald) turns up, thinking Walken's a high-line criminal. With Cyndi Lauper, Donal Logue, and gratefully, Tom Noonan shows up as an even more dunderheaded thug. Koin Center

The Original Kings of Comedy
Another of Spike Lee's so-called "jointz," this one being a documentary which shows stand-up comics Steve Harvey, Cedric the Entertainer, D.L. Hughley, and Bernie Mac in action. Century Eastport 16, City Center 12, Division Street, Lloyd Mall

The Patriot
OK, remember that episode of The Simpsons where Mel Gibson remade Mr. Smith Goes to Washington and ended up impaling the President on a flagpole or some such silliness? Well, now he's gone and made a three-hour movie that's just like that, but without the irony or humor. (Marc Mohan) Eastgate, Evergreen Parkway, Movies on TV

A Perfect Storm
Plot: Fishermen fight storm in hopes of getting home to some pussy. Protagonists: Marky Mark, Dr. Ross, Happy's competitor in Happy Gilmore, a few guys who are in every other movie, some no-names. Villains: Hurricane Grace, backed by two other vengeful storms. The money-grubbing boat owner. Perks: Awesome special effects: 50-foot sea swells, water rescues, hurricane clouds etc. Downers: Canned dialogue, excessive machismo, totally stupid ending. Recommendation: If you're looking for a marijuana freak-out, smoke some and head to this flick. If you're looking for an Academy Award Nominee, forget it. (Katie Shimer) Century Eastport 16, City Center 12, Evergreen Parkway, Milwaukie 3 Theater, Movie House, Movies on TV, Tigard-Joy Theater

The Replacements
A comedy based on the 1987 pro football strike, starring Keanu Reeves as a scabby (sorry) scab quarterback. Century Eastport 16, City Center 12, Clackamas Town Center, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Hilltop, Movies on TV, Oak Grove 8 Theater

Same Old Song
Alain Resnais directs this amusing melodrama in which characters lip-synch popular songs. Northwest Film Center at Whitsell Auditorium

Saving Grace
We've seen this movie before: A British fishing village, a lot of friendly villagers, the local pub, and a big plan that involves flouting the law in a relatively benign way but leads to an extended situation comedy. In Saving Grace, the situation involves a widowed middle-aged woman who cultivates pot to escape financial ruin. The town turns a blind eye because they love her dearly. She travels to London to sell her stash (phenomenal amounts of high-grade bud) and the plan falls apart. Before it's over, the movie, too, falls apart. This is a cute, light comedy with the humor based on contrast--a nice woman selling drugs, a responsible hippie dealer who has to pick his daughter up at flute lessons before Dungeons and Dragons night, and a career criminal who is nothing but kind. (Monica Drake) 82nd Avenue

Scary Movie
Though I can't say Scary Movie was particularly witty, or even clever, the cast performs their over-the-top slapstick with such good-natured intentions, it's hard not to be swept up in the fun. Sure, there are the requisite off-color jokes directed at gays, potheads, teen sex, and the mentally challenged, but unlike the Farrelly brothers (Something About Mary, Kingpin), Wayans delivers punchlines as a nudge in the ribs rather than a slap across the face. (Wm. Steven Humprey) 82nd Avenue, Lloyd Mall, Movies on TV

Small Time Crooks
Woody Allen's 2000 entry is one of his unambitious, hoping-only-to-amuse movies. Too bad it's unoriginal, not very amusing, and a near waste of some of this world's greatest comic talent: (Eric Fredericksen) Edgefield Powerstation, Laurelhurst Theater

Director Alain Resnais adapted this film from playwright Alan Ayckbourn's Intimate Exchanges. Sabine Azema and Pierre Arditti play nine characters in a Yorkshire school, and yes, the main character smokes. Northwest Film Center at Whitsell Auditorium

Space Cowboys
Three old retired Air Force pilots want one last ride into outer space. Christ! Isn't it bad enough that these old farts always get the beautiful young chicks in the movies? And now they want to go into space, too? Forget it, Grandpa! It's off to the nursing home for you! Broadway Metroplex, Century Eastport 16, City Center 12, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Hilltop, Lake Twin Cinema, Lloyd Mall, Movies on TV, Oak Grove 8 Theater, Westgate

What says "sunshine" more perfectly than the history of Hungarian Jews in the 20th century? And who says "sunshine" more beautifully than Ralph Fiennes? The irrepressible Fiennes vieux takes on three sequential roles in this epic (that's one hour per role) account of one poor family's travails through three generations of Europe's now famous anti-Semitic hi-jinx. A total downer. Moreland Theater

The Tao of Steve
The Tao of Steve: 101 ways to bag a babe and keep her coming back for more. Dex, a fat intellectual slob, formulates and follows his plan for sexual success, insisting to his friends that the #1 way too attract women is to ignore them. Through the magic of make-believe, this tactic works. The pot smoking, jelly-belly has a harem of women sending him the booty call. What is his secret? What is the attraction? Could it be the charming afterglow from his morning bong hit? Is it the crushing weight of his huge gut? No one knows or cares, because in real life Dex is just one of the many loser pot-heads that moveabout in packs, not in couples. (Karrin Ellertson) City Center 12, Koin Center

Thomas and the Magic Railroad
Based on the ultra-creepy kids show of the same name, this partially animated children's film stars the ever-dwindling talents of Alec "Oh, How the Mighty Have Fallen" Baldwin. Hollywood Theatre

Titan A.E.
A new animated feature from the Bluth studios. The Earth has been blown to shit, and it's up to a cocky, smart-mouthed teenager to find a spaceship filled with survivors and lead them to a new Earth (presumably one that doesn't have fuck-wit cartoons like this one). Voice characterizations by Matt Damon, Drew Barrymore and...Tone Loc?!? Waitasecond, we take it all back! Avalon Theatre

* The Virgin Suicides
The most consistent element of The Virgin Suicides is a steady stream of images that echo the feminine-hygiene commercials of the 1970s. Considering the material--five teenage sisters growing up in a repressive home and headed for funerals rather than graduations--the lightness of touch is surprising. But to juxtapose suicide with buoyant innocence might be uniquely appropriate; if the film has a message, it seems to be that a mythologized purity of youth can't survive into adulthood. (Monica Drake) Laurelhurst Theater

What Lies Beneath
It's official! Director Robert Zemeckis (Who Framed Roger Rabbit, Forrest Gump) is a washed-up hack. In this latest Sixth Sense ripoff, Zemeckis doesn't even bother trying to come up with any new ideas to bring to the screen, choosing instead to ape what Brian DePalma has been doing for years--aping Alfred Hitchcock. (Wm. Steven Humprey) Broadway Metroplex, Century Eastport 16, City Center 12, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Hilltop, Lake Twin Cinema, Movies on TV, St. John's Theater

Winterbottom is one of the most prolific of new directors, and his choices of material and approaches are profligate as well. He's shooting a Gold Rush political adventure right now, and a couple of other features since his alternately savvy and sappy Welcome to Sarajevo has gone straight to video in the US Wonderland finds Winterbottom working in Super 16mm handheld, slinging the frame around as he follows intriguing actors like Ian Hart, Gina McKee, and Molly Parker through a London-set roundelay of not-that-intriguing, circumstance-befouled yuppie romance. Michael Nyman's insistent score weighs intensely on the general clutter. (RAY PRIDE) Koin Center

This movie is all fine and dandy, but there's one area where I got beef: Where the Hell is Psylocke? Clackamas Town Center, Division Street, Eastgate, Evergreen Parkway, Milwaukie 3 Theater, St. John's Theater, Washington Square Center