15 Minutes
Robert DeNiro demonstrates how much time someone will waste if you give them enough money in this derivative film about the influence of the media on the criminal justice system. Century Eastport 16, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Hilltop, Lloyd Cinemas, Movies on TV, Oak Grove 8 Theater, Washington Square Center

* Academy Awards
The hoopla! The glamour! The trampling of the artistic spirit in favor of commerce! It's all there at the Oscars, and it's all showing on the big screen at the Mission. Mission Theater

Almost Famous
Cameron Crowe's film about groupies, Lester Bangs, and learning to ROCK in the '70s. Laurelhurst Theater

* Battles Without Honor and Humanity
A yakuza thug with an extremely short temper goes on a rampage of beatings and murders in this flick from Kinji Fukasaku. See review this issue. Northwest Film Center at Whitsell Auditorium

* Before Night Falls
The real-life story of Cuban writer Reynaldo Arenas from his childhood in Cuba to joining Fidel Castro's revolutionaries to later being persecuted for homosexuality. A politcal film which centers on one man's loneliness. Koin Center

* Best In Show
Christopher Guest's latest with Eugene Levy follows several dog owners on their quest for the blue ribbon at the 2000 Mayflower Kennel Club Dog Show. A well-executed, ridiculous little film lovingly mining ridiculous little people's ridiculous little lives. Avalon , Bagdad Theater, Hollywood Theatre, Kennedy School Theatre, Kiggins Theater, Laurelhurst Theater

* Black Lizard
A Fukasaku classic, Black Lizard is a psychedelic swingin' jewel caper featuring a sexy thief (played by a man in drag) and the world's most brilliant detective (just played by a man). See review this issue. Northwest Film Center at Whitsell Auditorium

Blow Dry
The British Hair Federation decides to host its annual hair dressing competition in a town that just happens to be the home of the legendary hair-cutting virtuoso, played by Alan Rickman, who scandalously lost the title years back when his wife (Rachel Griffith) ran off with their model (Natasha Richardson) the night before the final round of the competition. While the hamlet fills up with shear-swinging rivals and conniving hair fakirs, we wonder if the fractured trio will overcome their grievances and seize the title that is rightfully theirs. Blow Dry could top off a landfill with the carcasses of its failed jokes and the plot largely plagiarizes that of Strictly Ballroom. But for the hair-obsessed, the grand finale of spectacular hair-dos takes affect like a Ruphinol obliterating the dull journey to this Xanadu of extraordinary locks. Koin Center

The Brothers
Just in time for the economic recession comes this tale of four upwardly mobile African American yuppies who must "cope." 82nd Avenue, Century Eastport 16, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Hilltop, Lloyd Mall, Movies on TV, Tigard Cinemas, Vancouver Plaza

* Casablanca
Humphrey Bogart stars in this hilarious and heartwarming classic about a former hockey star who is forced by a judge to coach a losing hockey team filled with misfit and mischievious youths. Oh... waitasecond. That's Mighty Ducks. Never mind. Mission Theater

Cast Away
Have you seen the trailer for this movie? Then you have seen the ENTIRE movie, from opening to final shot. Cinema 99, Evergreen Parkway, Movies on TV, Vancouver Plaza , Washington Square Center

Chloe in the Afternoon
A Parisian businessman fears for the safety of his marriage when the lusty mistress of his friend blows into town. Northwest Film Center at The Guild Theater, Northwest Film Center at Whitsell Auditorium

Today I'm not weak. The film critic in me has control over my emotions; it can and will repress my wolflike desire to fill this review with hungry words that praise the celestial beauty of Juliette Binoche. That being said, the movie itself is unremarkable, and has absolutely nothing new to offer. (Charles Mudede) Century Eastport 16, City Center 12, Division Street, Fox Tower 10, Lloyd Cinemas, Moreland Theater, Movies on TV, Oak Grove 8 Theater, St. John's Theater, Tigard Cinemas, Wilsonville

* Chunhyang
In the movie Chunhyang, a nobleman, secretly married across class lines, is separated from his wife, Chunhyang. Her virtue assailed, she resists, even under threat of death. Will the noble return in time? The pleasure of such a tale is in the telling, and this movie tells it wonderfully. (Barley Blair) Fox Tower 10

Claire's Knee
A French diplomat vacationing with his wife in Switzerland becomes obsessed with a teenager's knee in this serio-comedy from Eric Rohmer. Northwest Film Center at The Guild Theater

* Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
Legendary warrior Chow Yun Fat can never declare his love for fellow martial-arts expert Michelle Yeoh. Instead, he entrusts her with Green Destiny, his nearly magical sword. But in the dark of night a hooded thief steals it, which leads to a fight held mostly in midair. An attempt to wed emotionally reticent drama with the exhilarating freedom of Hong Kong-genre filmmaking, but director Ang Lee can't quite pull off the combination; for too long a time, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon's shifting gears only jam. (Bruce Reid) 82nd Avenue, Century Eastport 16, City Center 12, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Fox Tower 10, Hilltop, Lloyd Cinemas, Milwaukie 3 Theater, Movies on TV, St. John's Theater, Tigard Cinemas, Wilsonville

Down To Earth
I could write a million words on this stupid film. And not words filled with bile but sheer delight! Directed by the men who gave us American Pie, and starring comedian Chris Rock, Down to Earth, which is based on Warren Beatty's Heaven Can Wait, which in turn was based on some old film I've never seen, is the most original race comedy ever! The story? A black bike messenger is suddenly killed by a truck and goes up to heaven. The angels, who look like mafia hit men, realize that the death was premature, and so return the brother back to earth in a body once owned by a white billionaire (who is a second-rate Bill Gates). With this white, bloated body he must win the heart of a beautiful soul sister from the hood. Need I say more? Simply amazing. (Charles Mudede) Cinema 99, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Lloyd Mall, Movies on TV, Oak Grove 8 Theater, Vancouver Plaza

The Emperor's New Groove
The new Disney animated feature in which a greedy emperor is turned into a nude llama to learn some humility. Avalon , Kennedy School Theatre, Laurelhurst Theater

Enemy at the Gates
Summer action film fans curious about the eagerly awaited Pearl Harbor, due for release May 25th, can get a sneak preview of that big, blustery Hollywood film by watching this arty war story set during the siege of Stalingrad. Yes, believe it or not, they have almost the same plot (if internet accounts of Pearl Harbor's plot are reliable). Like Michael Bay's high-budget epic, this film by Jean-Jacques Annaud (Seven Years in Tibet) tells a story of two men in love with the same woman, set against a backdrop of international conflict. In this case it is real life country bumpkin sniper Vassily (Jude Law, looking exquisite even beneath grimy fingernails and smudged face) and Soviet media bureaucrat Danilov (Joseph Fiennes), who turns Vassily into a propaganda hero, giving hope to the Russian people staving off Hitler's troops in one of the deciding battles of WW2. The chick they both dig is the dull intellectual Tania (Rachel Weisz). The action scenes are great, concentrating mostly on a game of wits and nerves between Vassily and an opposing sniper, a German aristocrat (Ed Harris) called in to squelch the popular Vassily. The only trouble is, the alternating love story sequences are utterly boring. One suspects that Pearl Harbor will suffer a similar self-sabotage. (D.K. Holm) 82nd Avenue, Broadway Metroplex, Century Eastport 16, Cinema 99, City Center 12, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Hilltop, Lloyd Cinemas, Movies on TV, Oak Grove 8 Theater, Tigard Cinemas, Wilsonville

Exit Wounds
Steven Segal shows off 50 new pounds of fat in this new drama about an overweight cop. 82nd Avenue, Century Eastport 16, Cinema 99, City Center 12, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Hilltop, Lloyd Cinemas, Movies on TV, Oak Grove 8 Theater, Tigard Cinemas, Vancouver Plaza, Wilsonville

* Faithless
As unflinchingly debilitating as it is long, this film, directed by Liv Ullman, carries on the traditions of retired filmmaker (and author of this screenplay) Ingmar Bergman. Much like a Bergman film, the narrative unfolds as if it were a therapy session. An aging screenwriter (named Bergman) sits in his study as his imagined character, Marianne, recounts the details of the story he is trying to pen. She tells of her friendship with a man that inevitably turns romantic. Markus, her husband, spends much of his time traveling as a conductor, but learns of Marianne's affair all the same, and everyone's life collides in total destruction. While not for the impatient soul, Faithless is every bit as beautiful and heartwrenching as one would expect from Ullman and Bergman. (Pablo De Ocampo) Fox Tower 10

The Family Man
The first half of this movie is funny. Nicholas Cage, a fastidious, fabulously wealthy arbitrageur, is magicked into a lower-middle-class schlumph. (Barley Blair) Edgefield Powerstation, Mt. Hood Theater

Finding Forrester
A kid from the Bronx excels at both basketball and composition, befriends a hermit writer, undergoes a crisis from which the writer must extract him, thereby helping the writer overcome his own reclusive, blah blah blah. (Barley Blair) Cinema 99, Lloyd Mall, Milwaukie 3 Theater, Washington Square Center, Wilsonville

* Get Over It
So Kirsten Dunst is totally in love with this nerd, but the nerd is in love with someone else: evil Allison. Evil Allison is, in turn, in love with Striker, the resident asshole with a bad British accent. It's all wrapped up in this super meta plot when all the players join together to put on a production of Midsummer Night's Dream. (Get it?) But um, who cares about that because Sisqo is in this movie! He can't act for shit, so the directors smartly didn't give him any lines, choosing instead to capitalize on his primary talent, dancing. And let me tell you, the dance scenes are hot! Broadway Metroplex, Century Eastport 16, Cinema 99, Clackamas Town Center, Hilltop, Vancouver Plaza , Westgate

Hannibal is a mess; an overblown, audacious, painstakingly long, gratuitous mess. Hannibal Lecter in his second outing is an annoying little old man, the sort you'd just love to push down a flight of stairs. Worse still he's a limey, a fish-and-chip-worshiping limey! That the man has killed over 15 Americans isn't a case for the fucking FBI; it's a case for immigration! (Kudzai Mudede) Century Eastport 16, Cinema 99, City Center 12, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Lloyd Mall, Movies on TV, Vancouver Plaza , Westgate

That weasly bitch Jennifer Love Hewitt kidnapped down-to-earth, sweet, skateboarding, earnest, talented, funny Jason Lee and forced him to be in a movie with her! And to make it worse, THEY MAKE OUT! Broken hearts, indeed. See review this issue. Broadway Metroplex, Century Eastport 16, Cinema 99, City Center 12, Clackamas Town Center, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Hilltop, Lloyd Cinemas, Movies on TV, Oak Grove 8 Theater, Tigard Cinemas, Vancouver Plaza , Wilsonville

* The House of Mirth
British director Terence Davies' The House of Mirth, starring Gillian Anderson and Dan Aykroyd, adapts Edith Wharton's 1905 novel about New York high society--the tragic story of a beautiful young woman looking to marry a rich husband and finding herself torn between her need for financial security and her desire for personal integrity. Koin Center

* In the Mood for Love
The most achingly beautiful film in years. Jilted spouses always find themselves circling one painful step away from seeking comfort in each other's arms. Every moment of this film snaps with perfection. Fox Tower 10

* Jazz on Film
This week the Clinton Street (in association with the famous Dennis Nyback) presents a cornucopia of jazz shorts. On Friday, March 23, five shorts will be shown including Black and Tan featuring Duke Ellington, Pep and Personality with Tommy Christian, Yamekraw with Harlem stride pianist James P. Johnson, Eddie Peabody and His College Chums featuring Eddie and his aforementioned chums, and St. Louis Blues with Bessie Smith. Saturday, March 24 features Stars of the Cotton Club, spotlighting Ellington, Cab Calloway, Louis Armstrong and more! Sunday, March 25 brings us Reet, Petite and Gone, in which Armstrong plays a man who must marry immediately or lose his inheritance. On Monday, March 26, see Jazz from the 1960s with Thelonius Monk, Coleman Hawkins, and many more. Tuesday, March 27 spotlights the jazz skills of "der Bingle" in Bing Crosby: Jazz Singer. On Wednesday, March 28, Soundies takes the stage with three minute "music videos" of tons of jazz greats and just plain bizarre stuff thrown in for good measure. Finally on Thursday, March 29, It's the Girls! featuring the Boswell Sisters, Ella Fitzgerald, Billie Holiday, Peggy Lee and, oh, so much more. Clinton Street Theatre

* Journey Into Amazing Caves
The latest IMAX film from the National Science Foundation is a jaw-dropping splunk into three amazing caves--one in the Grand Canyon, another below the glaciers of Greenland, and a third, completely underwater cave in tropical Mexico. With towering cathedrals of frozen waterfalls, the ice caves are eye-popping and the underwater tunnels are eerie, creepy, yet strangely titillating. The Science Foundation tries to fuse a detective story into the scenery--the team is looking for life forms that may unlock answers to new medicines. But, really, with gratuitous kayaking off waterfall scenes and hair-raising rock climbing shots shown on a five-story screen, it is just glossy, supersized pornography for adventurers. Hum-mina, hum-mina, hum! (Phil Busse) OMSI

Director Giuseppe Tornatore spun childhood nostalgia into international box-office gold with Cinema Paradiso (1988). With Malena, he tries to repeat that success by making an art-house Porky's set in Sicily during World War II. Renato (Giuseppe Sulfaro), not even a teenager but wanting to grow up quick, starts hanging out with the older kids who ogle Malena (Monica Bellucci), a beautiful woman whose husband is off at war. Actually, the whole town ogles Malena, to the point where she's been unfairly painted as the town slut. Renato thinks he's different from the townsfolk, but she's never more than his masturbatory fantasy; a fact made distastefully literal by the end of the film. Pretty cinematography and a pretty girl do not make up for the ugly, voyeuristic core of this film. (Andy Spletzer) City Center 12

The Mexican
This movie was never meant to be a singular entity: It feels like two movies, hemorrhaged by nature, that have been forcefully welded together. The first of these movies is The Mexican; it features Brad Pitt, an antique gun, and the mob. It is vaguely interesting and Brad Pitt is very handsome. Secondly, there is what I will call National Lampoon's Seventh Circle of Hell, it stars Julia Roberts, a green V.W., and a sensitive hitman. It is a disgrace and Julia Roberts' performance is criminal. (Kudzai Mudede) 82nd Avenue, Broadway Metroplex, Century Eastport 16, Cinema 99, City Center 12, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Hilltop, Lake Twin Cinema, Lloyd Cinemas, Movies on TV, Oak Grove 8 Theater, Tigard Cinemas, Vancouver Plaza, Westgate, Wilsonville

* O Brother, Where Art Thou?
Set in Depression-era Mississippi, George Clooney stars as Everett Ulysses McGill, a suave and well-groomed petty criminal doing hard time on a chain gang. Shackled to Pete (John Turturro) and Delmar (Tim Blake Nelson), he convinces them to join him in escaping by promising to split a fortune in buried treasure with them. (Andy Spletzer) Century Eastport 16, City Center 12, Evergreen Parkway, Fox Tower 10, Tigard Cinemas

The Pledge
Sean Penn's third directorial effort stars Jack Nicholson as a retiring police detective obsessed with solving the rape-murder of a seven-year-old girl. I've always hated those people that obsess over a band's first album or an artist's early years, but I must admit, neither of Penn's recent works have been able to live up to his first film, The Indian Runner. Nicholson gives a better-than-average "Jack Nicholson" performance, but he has become so much of a caricature of himself that it's hard to enjoy his acting anymore. (Pablo de Ocampo) Kennedy School Theatre, Kiggins Theater, Laurelhurst Theater

Another attempt from the film industry to mine the romantic lie of Bohemian life. This is actor Ed Harris' directorial debut (he also stars), and seems too hurried to establish the iconic events of painter Jackson Pollock's life--see Pollock urinate in Peggy Guggenheim's fireplace, see Pollock overturn the Thanksgiving table, see Pollock accidentally discover drip painting--instead of letting any of these moments achieve any natural resolution. City Center 12, Fox Tower 10, Lake Twin Cinema

The Price of Milk
A modern-day fairy tale about New Zealand. Fox Tower 10

* The Prisoner
The Mission is spotlighting this terrific cult television series starring Patrick McGoohan as a retired spy who finds himself imprisoned in a very mysterious village. A guaranteed marijuana freakout! Mission Theater

Quills is loosely (very loosely) based upon the latter years of the Marquis de Sade's life. Shortly after the French Revolution, de Sade resides locked away in the Charenton mental hospital where he is allowed, briefly, to continue writing his pornographic prose. Though meant for private consumption only, the writings are secreted out of Charenton by the laundry maid, Madeleine (Kate Winslet), and their popularity on the streets of France causes outraged apoplexy among the powers that be. Hollywood Theatre, Laurelhurst Theater, Mission Theater

Save the Last Dance
Finally! A multi-racial Dirty Dancing! A midwestern honky moves to the big city, and hooks up with a smooth talking brutha from the South Side. Are we all clear on this? Great. EVERYBODY DANCE! Movies on TV

Saving Silverman
Jason Biggs is about to marry "the wrong girl," and his two rowdy buddies (Jack Black and Steve Zahn) will stop at nothzzzzzzzzzzzz. Trapped in a shamelessly derivative mess that retreads the nun-lovin' fun of Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit, they struggle to answer the question, "Women: Manipulative and emasculating, or vapid and pliable?" Judging by Silverman's sizable kitsch insurance policy, the accountant who approved this one knew it would take an omnipresent Neil Diamond to ensure the assloads of box office returns this film will undoubtedly make. You've seen this one before, sadly. (Jason Pagano) Avalon

Say it Isn't So
Produced by Bobby Farelly, this film, it seems, has absolutely no idea of what made previous gross-out comedies (Dumb and Dumber, There's Something About Mary) successful, which was to some extent a surreal lack of resonance that surrounded extreme absurdities and allowed them to co-exist seamlessly with a movie's landscape, though more importantly, absurdities that were actually original and funny. The premise here is that the characters of Chris Kline and Heather Graham fall in love only to discover that they are brother and sister. Chris Kline later on finds out that they are not and sets of in search of his sweetheart, and well take my word for it, I've seen mad cows with a more refined sense of comedic timing. The grotesqueries manage to simply revolt, the poop jokes are just shitty, and the whole movie feels like vomit. (Jamie Hook) Century Eastport 16, Cinema 99, City Center 12, Clackamas Town Center, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Lloyd Mall, Movies on TV, Oak Grove 8 Theater, Washington Square Center, Wilsonville

* See Spot Run
See Spot Run was a great movie about a dog named Agent 11 who was trained by the F.B.I. since he was a puppy. Agent 11 is trying to catch these bad Mafia guys. The head Mafia guy hires these two other Mafia guys to kill Agent 11 but he escapes and winds up staying with the main character played by David Arquette. David is babysitting this little kid and they all have wacky adventures trying to avoid being killed by the Mafia guys. The funniest part was David Arquette doing his great George Jefferson breakdance. (Maggie Brown, age 10) Century Eastport 16, Cinema 99, City Center 12, Clackamas Town Center, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Hilltop, Lloyd Mall, Movies on TV, Oak Grove 8 Theater, Vancouver Plaza , Westgate, Wilsonville

Shadow of the Vampire
In this piece about the filming of the classic silent horror flick Nosferatu, Willem Dafoe and John Malkovich are hilarious, providing many quotable quotes and actions that will provide hours of fun for fans of high camp (much like similar lines from Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure or Austin Powers). [Note to Post-ironic Mockers: it's not bad enough to be THAT funny. It's just plain bad.] (Julianne Shepherd) Koin Center, Vancouver Plaza

Guy Ritchie (a.k.a. Mr. Madonna) knows how to use a camera like nobody else. Too bad he doesn't know how to make a film. The technique is clear: heaps of colorful characters walking around in nicely lit areas doing nasty things, throw in a few twists, pile on a few more characters and a lot more nasty things, a couple more twists, and then you're done. (Jamie S. Rich) Lloyd Mall

* State and Main
Alec Baldwin, William H. Macy, Sarah Jessica Parker, Philip Seymour Hoffman, and David Paymer descend on a small Vermont town to make a movie, bringing their sophisticated mores with them. The town end is held down by Charles Durning, Clark Gregg, Ricky Jay, Patti LuPone, Matt Malloy, Rebecca Pidgeon, and Julia Stiles... Do you begin to see a problem here? The cast is as fixedly big-city as a traffic jam. Though to tell you the truth, I was laughing too hard to worry about small inaccuracies. David Mamet has said that he was thinking of Preston Sturges when he put this film together, and it's a worthy successor to the Master. (Barley Blair) Koin Center

* A Time for Drunken Horses
Even if Iranians don't celebrate Christmas, this movie is bound to be a holiday classic. Sure, it doesn't have the gooey sentimentality of It's A Wonderful Life, but it does have sweeping panoramas of the snowy and rugged Iranian border. After his father is killed by a mine, a stoic teenage boy is forced to smuggle tires and whatnots across the border in order to earn enough money to pay for his siblings schoolbooks and an operation for his dying, invalid brother (hello, Tiny Tim, anyone?). Nominated by the Academy for Best Foreign Film, it will keep you by the short hairs. (Phil Busse) Hollywood Theatre, Laurelhurst Theater

What with Hollywood throwing Oscars at director Steven Soderbergh, this film is perhaps the most over-hyped film of the year. By now, unless you've been hiding up Richard Gere's butt, you know the scoop: With jumpy camera movements and "edgy" editing, the film braids together three loosely connected stories about the--gasp--drug war. What you may not have heard, though, is that one of these three stories is about as challenging as an after-school special, and another a blatant Miami Vice rip-off. The only truly lasting quality of the film is Benicio Del Toro, whose unflinching performance explores the conflicts between loyalty and self-preservation. (Phil Busse) Century Eastport 16, Division Street, Hilltop, Koin Center, Lloyd Cinemas, Milwaukie 3 Theater, Movies on TV, Tigard Cinemas, Westgate

* Waiting for Guffman
Christopher Guest is Corky St. Clair, (way, way off) Broadway Director, in this "funny because it's true" mockfest about the big-city aspirations of small-town theater. With Parker Posey, Fred Willard, Catherine O'Hara, and Eugene Levy as the soon-to-be-famous players of Blaine, Missouri. Laurelhurst Theater

The Wedding Planner
Mary Fiore (Jennifer Lopez) is the baddest-assest Wedding Planner that ever there was. The sad truth, though, is that poor gorgeous Mary can't seem to find a date! One day, outta nowhere, a runaway dumpster is just about to mow Mary down, and who's there to save her, but Matthew McCon! Before you know it they're dancing under the stars, then he vanishes, only to magically reappear as--how did you know?--the groom-to-be of Mary's latest client! O. My. Gawd! Clackamas Town Center, Vancouver Plaza , Washington Square Center

What Women Want
Mel Gibson stars as a man who can hear women's innermost thoughts in this feminist remake of the David Cronenberg sci-fi thriller Scanners. Hollywood Theatre

Wonder Boys
Any film that can make an audience stomach Michael Douglas is a minor accomplishment. Curtis Hanson's film does more than that. In fact, it's rather good. Laurelhurst Theater

* Yi Yi
A computer engineer and his wife, Min-Min are pulled away from his brother-in-law's wedding when Min-Min's mother suffers a stroke and goes into a coma. They eventually bring her home and are encouraged to talk to her in a game attempt to bring her back to consciousness; these one-sided conversations allow the family members a forum to work out their individual concerns. Do not miss this opportunity to see this wonderful film that will draw you in and make you forget about time and space. See review this issue. Cinema 21

* You Can Count on Me
This is the sort of well-crafted, nutritious drama that gets critics burned out on adrenalized hoopla all tied up in knots. It's fine work, featuring Laura Linney's best performance since Congo (or maybe even before) as a single mom in the quaint burg of Scottsville. Her pothead drifter of a brother, also well played by Mark Ruffalo, shows up, spurring an eventual, earnest realization of the importance of family. Matthew Broderick has an amusing role as Linney's new boss, who says things like "I like paperwork." The latest product of the Culkin Family Factory Farm for Cuteness, Rory, plays the precocious eight-year-old. Playwright Kenneth Lonergan has, for his first film, created a movie for grown-ups that hardly ever surprises, but somehow that's OK. (Marc Mohan) Koin Center