12 Monkeys & Time Bandits A Terry Gilliam double feature! Bruce Willis stars as a brain-addled time traveler in 12 Monkeys (which barely has one monkey in it, let alone 12), and in Time Bandits, a little boy travels through time, escorted by dwarves, meeting historical characters along the way. Chance of Rain Cafe

2005 Oscar-Nominated Shorts This year's Academy Award-winning short subjects are not quite what you'd expect the skittish, stodgy Academy to endorse. The animated winner, Ryan, is a fucked up documentary about Ryan Larkin, who was a massively influential animator in the 1970s but has spent the last 30 years drunk, strung out, homeless, or some combination of the three. Images from a live-action interview are artificially rotted out, garish flourishes are strewn everywhere, and the resulting mess is the exact opposite of slick. But it's still flashy computer animation--which, of course, still looks crude next to excerpts from Larkin's beautiful film--and you can't help but get the feeling that a straightforward doc might have told Larkin's story with more sensitivity and pathos. The actual doc winner, meanwhile, is a rousing tribute to the school kids who participated in the 1963 Children's March in Birmingham, Alabama. Mighty Times: The Children's March also incorporates fictional elements, which is incredibly frustrating given that real photographic evidence of children being sprayed by fire hoses is what ultimately compelled President Kennedy to intervene. Wasp, the winning entry in the live action short category, is easily the most distressing example of fictional child abuse since Bastard Out of Carolina, but it's hard to know how to respond. The film is certainly affecting, but to what end? Haven't we all heard enough about what terrible mothers poor women make? (Annie Wagner) Whitsell Auditorium

Bad Education If Hitchcock's Vertigo collided head-on with a drag queen variety show, the brilliant wreckage would be Pedro Almodovar's Bad Education. (Ryan Dirks) Fox Tower 10

Be Cool In Be Cool, the sequel to Get Shorty, John Travolta plays Chili Palmer, a former east coast goombah who decides to get into the music business, he... actually, you know what? Never mind. Why don't you just make up the most ridiculous, unfunny plot you can think of. Got it? Congratulations! You've just constructed a plot that makes twice as much sense as the completely befuddling, deeply unamusing Be Cool! (Wm. Steve Humphrey) Lloyd Cinemas, Broadway Metroplex ,City Center 12 , Tigard Cinemas , Vancouver Plaza, Century Eastport 16 , Cinema 99 , Evergreen Parkway , Century 16 Cedar Hills Crossing , Movies on TV , Hilltop
, Sherwood 10, Division Street , Milwaukie 3 Theater

Bride & Prejudice Gurinder Chadha, the director of Bend It Like Beckham, has revamped Jane Austen's Pride & Prejudice with a Bollywood aesthetic. If the finger-snappin' music and over-the-top dance numbers aren't enough to distract you, there are also elephants, gospel singers, a cobra dance, and that chick from Gilmore Girls. (Alison Hallett) Fox Tower 10 , City Center 12

But I'm a Cheerleader Director Jamie Babbitt's feature debut may be a bit forced, but Natasha Lyonne (as a cheerleader thought to be lesbian) is both believable and charming. Lyonne is sent to a homosexual rehabilitation camp run by RuPaul and Cathy Moriarty, and learns the valuable lesson that sexual orientation isn't as cut-and-dry as one might think. (Wm. Steven Humphrey) Pix Patisserie

Conspiracy of Silence A limp film about Irish Catholic priests and their celibacy (or lack thereof). When priest wannabe Daniel (Jonathan Forbes) is ousted from seminary after it's thought he's doin' it with another student, a rash of church-centric controversies--from openly gay priests to suicides--comes to the fore. Pulseless direction, easy moralizing, and TV movie-quality cinematography follow; somehow, the film manages to take some decent actors and strong themes and make them only marginally interesting. (Erik Henriksen) Hollywood Theatre

Cursed Let's give Wes Craven the benefit of the doubt and assume that Cursed was intended as a spoof rather than an actual horror movie. Comic book-style violence, a fairly hilarious parallel between werewolfism and STDs, and a disappointing lack of both boobs and gore (pre-reqs for a good slasher flick) all support this conclusion. You might get a kick out of the cast if you're nostalgic for the mid-'90s (Joshua Jackson, Christina Ricci, and Scott Baio all make appearances); otherwise, the film is little more than an hour and a half of mindless, non-scary teen schlock. (Alison Hallett) Movies on TV , Lloyd Mall , Division Street

Gunman in the Streets Part of the NWFC's "Noir City" program, this fast-paced, gritty escape film is set in the dive bars and back alleys of Paris. Dane Clark plays Eddie Roback, an American G.I.-cum-gangster desperately trying to make it across the Belgium border before the police catch up. He's assisted in his madcap flight by his ex-girlfriend (the gorgeous Simone Signoret) and the dashing young journalist who loves her. Visually and thematically, the film walks a tightrope between light and darkness, and the cinematography alone is worth the ticket price--the play of shadows across both characters' faces and the city itself is as expressive as any dialogue. (Alison Hallett) Guild Theater

Gunner Palace See review this issue. Cinema 21

Hostage Bruce Willis stars as former top LAPD negotiator Jeff Talley, who suffers a breakdown after a hostage situation goes extremely bad. He retires, becoming a police chief in a small town where life's great--until a trio of hoodlums knock over a rich guy's mansion, and takes the family hostage. There's plenty of tension, action, explosions, and more than a pint or two of blood, making Hostage a fun, pulpy flick. (Wm. Steve Humphrey)See review this issue. Oak Grove 8 Theater , Lloyd Cinemas, Evergreen Parkway , Movies on TV , Division Street , Sherwood 10, Cinema 99 , Hilltop , Tigard Cinemas , Century Eastport 16 , Century 16 Cedar Hills Crossing , Broadway Metroplex

House of Flying Daggers For all of its greater hopes and attempts--the film's exhaustingly, insecurely histrionic--Flying Daggers ends up being best at what it seems most self-conscious about being: a slam-bang kung fu movie. (Erik Henriksen) Hollywood Theatre

Ice Princess See review this issue. Oak Grove 8 Theater , Century Eastport 16 , Century 16 Cedar Hills Crossing , Movies on TV , Sherwood 10, Hilltop , Pioneer Place Stadium 6 , Evergreen Parkway , Vancouver Plaza, Lloyd Cinemas, Division Street , Tigard Cinemas , Cinema 99

The Last Metro François Truffaut's film about a woman (Catherine Deneuve) who has to keep her Jewish husband (Heinz Bennent) hidden from the Nazis as she puts on a play. (Springtime For Hitler, perhaps?) Clinton Street Theater

Leprechaun See "My, What A Busy Week!" pg 17. Clinton Street Theater

Millions The last thing one would expect from the director of Trainspotting and 28 Days Later is a warm family film, but Danny Boyle's tale of two young brothers (Alexander Nathan Etel and Lewis Owen McGibbon) who find a duffel bag stuffed with cash is remarkably enjoyable. Keeping the money secret from their widower father (James Nesbitt), one boy hallucinates Christian saints who urge him to donate the money, while the other delights in spending the cash. Ultimately, Millions becomes less about the money and more about the boys' splintered family; despite a retarded subplot about a criminal looking for the cash and some unforgivably sappy moments, Millions is definitely worthwhile. (Erik Henriksen)Fox Tower 10

Mystery of the Nile Having not been inside an IMAX theater in years, I was struck anew upon entering the OMSI press screening for Mystery of the Nile by how frickin' cool they are. The screen wraps around every inch of your vision, inducing a state of wide-eyed visual hyperactivity akin to being on a mushroom high. The potential for such a medium is almost unimaginable, and Mystery doesn't even begin to live up to it. This tepid docudrama about filmmaker/explorer Pasquale Scaturro's 3,000-mile Nile River rafting journey with a crew of inexperienced landlubbers has no sense of narrative pacing and, reduced to a 47-minute running time, provides a highly unsatisfying glossing-over of Nile history and information. It's lousy as a film and a waste of IMAX resources. Obviously scared to jeopardize their million-dollar IMAX camera, Scaturro's film team is light on the cool rafting footage, and heavy on pretty-but-boring scenery shots, and contrived images of different crew members sitting on land, looking pensive as beautiful jungle music plays on the soundtrack. The IMAX "experience" in and of itself is far from enough to carry this extended commercial for the Travel Channel. (Justin Sanders) OMSI

Nothing Really Happens: Memories of an Aging Stripper The meat of this low-budget film is, as the title suggests, an extended look into the personal history of a New York stripper, Carmela (Madelyn Chapman). But there's also an eccentric, elderly writer, Tillie, (who's recently received the Nobel Prize for literature played by Broadway star Judith Malina, in case you're 70 and that means something to you) and who attends a nearby class that analyzes the art of striptease from a feminist perspective. And then there's the odd, repressed teacher of the class, Paula (Mary Round), who interviews Carmela for her research, then brings her back to the classroom, where Paula, Carmela, and the Nobel Laureate all become the best of friends. It's the worst story idea in the history of the world, and it's brought down further by Nothing Really Happens' performances, which are so hammy it's almost creepy. It's as if filmmaker Fred Newman told all his actors to study the archives of Mr. Rogers as they prepared for this film about gettin' naked. (Justin Sanders) The Know

Ooh La La: A History of Lingerie Ex-Clinton St. Theater owner Dennis Nyback returns with one of his infamous collections of vintage shorts, many of which seem like they belong in a museum. He'll present these films with a short talk on the history of ladies' undergarments, but the collection would more accurately be named The History of Striptease. Be warned: you won't find much in the plot department. The old-timey, patriarchy kitsch wears off quick, and there are some fingernails-on-chalkboard musical numbers. Collectors and fans of vintage films will appreciate these naughty shorts, but if you're actually interested in lingerie, you'll leave disappointed. It's also advisable to arrive with a legitimate interest in tits and archival film, because the montage is long, and unlike architecture or cars--which they just don't make like they used to--both lingerie and entertaining cinema have made some fabulous strides over the last century. (Marjorie Skinner) Clinton Street Theater

The Pacifier Poor Vin Diesel. There was promise, once upon a time: Pitch Black, Boiler Room, The Fast and the Furious--for a moment, he had a glimmer of hope. Not as an actor, mind you, but as a presence--a meaty, menacing figure whose voice could launch a thousand threats. Now, however, that promise has been devoured by a need to "expand," that dreaded delusion that inflicts many a young bulging stud. Vin Diesel belongs as a villain, not as a Navy Seal who moves in with a suburban family (the specifics are unnecessary; all you need to know is that the plot, such as it is, is utterly idiotic), and despite his game efforts, The Pacifier is painfully inept. Oh how the menacing have fallen--from anti-hero to desperate career revival. I may not be your manager, dear Vin, but here's a tip free of charge: Ditch the kids and get back to being brutal. The world, and the movies, are better off with you there. (Bradley Steinbacher) Regal Cinemas, etc.

The Paris to Dublin Spring Break Progressive Film Fest A tongue-twistingly named film fest from the PSU Progressive Student Union. Monday has Ridicule, in which a man is forced to adapt to a hoity-toity French court in order to do public good; Tuesday has Bloody Sunday, Paul Greengrass' documentary-style film about the Catholic Civil Rights Movement of 1972; Wednesday has The Red & The Black, about class strata in post-Revolution France; and Thursday has Helen Mirren as IRA agitator Bobby Sands in Some Mother's Son. PSU Smith Memorial Union

PMS Media Videos PMS Media, a "radical eco-feminist film group," will be showing four videos. Red Wings has drunk college guys discussing their girlfriends' periods; Our Bodies, Our Choice! is about a march on the US Capitol; Ni Una Mas looks at rapes and kidnappings on the El Paso border; and Star Spangled is a "flagumentary" about the US flag. Liberty Hall

Queen of the Yukon Craziness up north! Charles Bickford and Irene Rich star in this film based on a Jack London story. Old Town Pizza

The Ring Two See review this issue. Lake Twin Cinema , Oak Grove 8 Theater , Century Eastport 16
, Century 16 Cedar Hills Crossing , Movies on TV , Sherwood 10, Hilltop , Broadway Metroplex , Evergreen Parkway , Vancouver Plaza, Lloyd Cinemas, Division Street , City Center 12 , Tigard Cinemas
, Cinema 99

Robots It'd be too easy to proclaim that the only mainstream animation that's worthwhile is Pixar's--but if their rivals don't start kicking it up a notch, that statement isn't just going to get easier, it's also going to gain credence. Robots is just lazy; as easily as you can foresee its boring plot, you can predict its characters. (Ewan McGregor voices Rodney Copperbottom, who's a sweet, by-the-numbers mechanical protagonist, while with Robin Williams' Fender, the filmmakers have managed to create a character who's as annoying and unfunny as Williams himself has become.) (Erik Henriksen) Regal Cinemas, etc.

Schultze Gets the Blues When Schultze (Horst Krause) retires, he finds he has little to do. Living alone, he cleans his collection of yard gnomes, plays his accordion, hangs with his fellow pensioners, and listens to the radio. One day he flips the dial and hears a different kind of accordion playing--a fast one! Taken with this, he embarks on something of an obsession with Southern American culture, takes a trip to Texas, and has a slow-paced adventure of sorts. Gently funny, the film is full of the sort of geriatric humor that ensues from putting a fat old German guy in an unfamiliar environment. (Marjorie Skinner) Fox Tower 10

The Sea Inside Javier Bardem plays the real-life Spaniard Ramón Sampedro, a middle-aged quadriplegic who suffered a spine-crushing diving accident as a young man. The Sea Inside doesn't rehash the tired moral debate regarding death with dignity. Instead, it's an exquisitely thoughtful, gorgeously filmed portrayal of a sad and wonderful person. (Justin Sanders) Hollywood Theatre

Spike and Mike's Sick and Twisted Festival of Animation The good ones: three Happy Tree Friends shorts (which you can rent at the video store). The bad ones: everything else. (Wm. Steven Humphrey) Cinema 21

Star Dreams While crop circles are undeniably pretty cool, the New Age-y, cultish, and unintentionally hilarious Star Dreams does its moronic damndest to convince the viewer that the shapes use "vibratory frequencies" to... well, they never really get to that, really. Between showing hippies meditating in crop circles and showcasing interviews with psychics and alien abductees (one claims, deadpan, that the "Galactic Federation" is behind the crop circles, which will help mankind reach a "heart chakra" and develop like 13 helixes in our DNA), the general meaning of Star Dreams is that whether aliens, Gaia/Mother Earth, or hoaxers create crop circles, in the end they're all about peace, love, "divine potential," "ancient prophecies," and various other terms synonymous with "hippie bullshit." (Erik Henriksen) Hollywood Theatre

This Gun for Hire Part of the NWFC's "Noir City" program, and based on the novel by Graham Greene. A killer for hire (Alan Ladd) on the run meets up with a strange woman (Veronica Lake) with a "jet-black secret." Guild Theater

Travelers and Magicians This charming, philosophical film takes place in Bhutan, a Buddhist kingdom in Middle of Nowhere, Asia. Dondup (Tsewang Dandup) is a young man who's just been given an important position in his village, but consumed by the pop cultural influences that filter down to him, he dismisses it in exchange for an opportunity to go to the U.S., a pleasant clash of modern attitude and traditional wisdom. Travelers and Magicians is a subtly engaging film with a quiet, simple message, leaving just enough give in its construction for the viewer to conclude their own version of the point. (Marjorie Skinner) Fox Tower 10