12 Monkeys Bruce Willis stars as a brain-addled time traveler in this movie, which barely has one monkey in it, let alone 12! (Wm. Steve Humphrey) Blind Onion

Akira In a futuristic world of destruction, a young anime boy is captured and subjected to military experiments. He gains psychic powers that he uses against the oppressive forces--but shit! He's out of control! Who can save (or rather destroy) Tokyo? Chance of Rain Cafe

Are We There Yet? Yes, that is Ice Cube, the same man who made AmeriKKKa's Most Wanted. Yes, that is Ice Cube, wrestling with a child for a juice box. Yes, that is Ice Cube, fighting with a deer. (Zac Pennington) Avalon , Mt. Hood Theater

Austin Unbound Fundraiser A fundraiser for the documentary Austin Unbound, about a 31-year-old "deaf female-to-male transsexual." The night features film footage, music, and "ASL stories, poetry, comedy skits, and signed-songs." Whoa.Hollywood Theatre

Bad Education If Hitchcock's Vertigo collided head-on with a drag queen variety show, the brilliant wreckage would be Pedro Almodovar's Bad Education. (Ryan Dirks) Fox Tower 10

Be Cool In Be Cool, the sequel to Get Shorty, John Travolta plays Chili Palmer, a former east coast goombah who decides to get into the music business... actually, you know what? Never mind. Why don't you just make up the most ridiculous, unfunny plot you can think of. Got it? Congratulations! You've just constructed a plot that makes twice as much sense as the completely befuddling, deeply unamusing Be Cool! (Wm. Steve Humphrey) Lloyd Cinemas , Broadway Metroplex , City Center 12 , Tigard Cinemas , Vancouver Plaza , Century Eastport 16 , Cinema 99 , Evergreen Parkway , Century 16 Cedar Hills Crossing , Movies on TV , Hilltop , Sherwood 10, Division Street , Lloyd Cinemas

Being Julia Annette Bening gives a high-decibel performance as a whorey London stage actress who learns how to love, then forgets how to love, and then remembers again, courtesy of some late afternoon "teas" (nudge, nudge) with a callow young American (Shaun Evans). (Alison Hallett) Laurelhurst

Born Into Brothels Rare is the documentary that feels too short, but this wrenching look at kids growing up within the squalid red-light sector of India begs for a more detailed exploration. Filmed in an arresting mix of handheld video and Kodachrome stills, the film follows the efforts of co-director/photographer Zana Briski to save the children of Calcutta's sex workers, initially by encouraging their photographic skills, then by navigating through unbelievable levels of bureaucratic quicksand. Briski's struggle is worthy of sainthood, but her resulting document, after an absolutely engrossing first reel, follows a slightly frustrating route. Unintentionally or not, as she concentrates increasingly on getting passports and HIV tests processed, the focus shifts to a more conventional individual vs. the system story, and away from the fairly miraculous day-to-day existence of the kids, where it feels like it belongs. (A film release party to benefit the Born Into Brothels-related organization Kids with Cameras will be held at Holocene on Thursday, March 24, with DJ Anjali, The Incredible Kid, and Nomadic Noize. 8 pm, $5-$10 suggested donation.) (Andrew Wright) Cinema 21

Bride & Prejudice Gurinder Chadha, the director of Bend It Like Beckham, has revamped Jane Austen's Pride & Prejudice with a Bollywood aesthetic. If the finger-snappin' music and over-the-top dance numbers aren't enough to distract you, there are also elephants, gospel singers, a cobra dance, and that chick from Gilmore Girls. (Alison Hallett) Fox Tower 10

Children of the Century A chronicle of the affair between cross-dressing female novelist George Sand (Juliette Binoche) and Alfred de Musset (Benoît Magimel), which took place in the 19th Century. Exciting, huh? PSU Smith Memorial Union

Constantine "You're fucked," archangel Gabriel tells John Constantine. As God's messenger, Gabriel (Tilda Swinton) is in a position to know. But Constantine (Keanu Reeves) isn't quite ready to give up. Sure, he's doomed to go to Hell for committing murder--but in a futile effort to get back on God's good side, he spends his life as a sort of chain smoking Ghostbuster, performing bed-shaking exorcisms and fighting computer-generated demons in equal measure. (Erik Henriksen) City Center 12 , Movies on TV
, Lloyd Cinemas , Century Eastport 16 , Century 16 Cedar Hills Crossing , Lloyd Mall

The Crimson Kimono Director Samuel Fuller was a master storyteller who filled his tales with the seedy, imperfect things he saw in real life. On the surface, The Crimson Kimono is just another classic whodunnit from the 1950s--but Fuller populates his film with a dead stripper, an alcoholic artist, and an interracial love triangle. It's all an excuse for Fuller to explore the clashing cultural stereotypes of Los Angeles' Little Tokyo district, which he does in a straightforward style that would go on to influence filmmakers from Martin Scorsese to Jim Jarmusch. (Ryan Dirks) Guild Theater

The Devil Bat Bela Lugosi plays "Dr. Paul Carruthers," who seeks revenge... using killer bats who are attracted to the scent of a particular shaving lotion! (Devil Bat also has the best tagline ever: "Sharp-fanged blood-sucking DEATH dives from MIDNIGHT SKIES!") Old Town Pizza

Escape to Witch Mountain Two kids with powers run through the woods. Pix Patisserie

Guess Who See review this issue. Oak Grove 8 Theater , City Center 12 , Tigard Cinemas , Broadway Metroplex , St. Johns Theater , Evergreen Parkway , Movies on TV , Vancouver Plaza, Division Street , Cinema 99 , Sherwood 10, Hilltop , Lloyd Cinemas , Century Eastport 16 , Century 16 Cedar Hills Crossing

Gunner Palace Documentary filmmaker Michael Tucker spent 10 months living in Iraq, embedded with 400 soldiers stationed at a bombed-out palace in Baghdad. His resultant film, Gunner Palace, is challenging, funny, and poignant--and one of the best documentaries to come out of the war in Iraq. The strength of Gunner Palace is that it's so non-polemical--it transcends any argument about the legitimacy of the American presence in Iraq. Instead, it tells of the events in Iraq via the voices of the underrepresented (though overexposed) men and women that are a part of them. (Alison Hallett) Fox Tower 10

Hostage Bruce Willis stars as former top LAPD negotiator Jeff Talley, who suffers a breakdown after a hostage situation goes extremely bad. He retires, becoming a police chief in a small town where life's great--until a trio of hoodlums knock over a rich guy's mansion, and takes the family hostage. There's plenty of tension, action, explosions, and more than a pint or two of blood, making Hostage a fun, pulpy flick. (Wm. Steve Humphrey) Oak Grove 8 Theater , Lloyd Cinemas , Evergreen Parkway , Movies on TV , Division Street , Sherwood 10, Cinema 99 , Hilltop , Tigard Cinemas , Century Eastport 16 , Century 16 Cedar Hills Crossing , Broadway Metroplex , Lloyd Cinemas

House of Flying Daggers For all of its greater hopes and attempts--the film's exhaustingly, insecurely histrionic--Flying Daggers ends up being best at what it seems most self-conscious about being: a slam-bang kung fu movie. (Erik Henriksen) Cinemagic

Ice Princess As the latest among the Disney starlet ranks, Ice Princess' Michelle Trachtenberg carries the responsibility of the Disney diva admirably: she's pretty (but not threatening), she's smart (but not particularly clever), she can fill out one of those ugly figure skating suits (and still front like she's all wholesome), but most importantly, she can't act for shit. Falling for Ice Princess' milquetoast male lead (Trevor Blumas) with marvelous indifference, she quietly rebels against the oppressively feminist confines of her mother (an aging Joan Cusack, whose second-wave feminist leanings can be boiled down to a jealousy of pretty women), and metamorphoses from an improbably twitchy Harvard-bound physicist to a superficial, make-up-slathered figure skater--all without being so much as faintly memorable. At this rate, Trachtenberg could well be on her way to the Disney diva hall of fame--which is to say, total and abject career suicide. (Zac Pennington) Oak Grove 8 Theater , Century Eastport 16 , Century 16 Cedar Hills Crossing , Movies on TV , Sherwood 10, Hilltop , Pioneer Place Stadium 6 , Evergreen Parkway
,Vancouver Plaza , Lloyd Cinemas, Division Street , Tigard Cinemas , Cinema 99 , Lloyd Cinemas

IT (Independent Tuesdays) Nocturnal's homemade film and video event. Nocturnal

Longbaugh Film Festival Presented by Comcast This year's fest has dozens of films of all kinds. Possible highlights include The Heater, featuring Jason Sabala (Fri at 9, Hollywood), Wilby Wonderful, which co-stars Sideways' Sandra Oh (Sat at 8:15, Hollywood), Falling Angels with Miranda Richardson (Fri at 7, Hollywood), and a documentary about civil rights activist Rob Williams (Negroes with Guns: Rob Williams and Black Power, Fri at 7:15 and Sat at 3, Hollywood). Plus--aww!--now there's "Li'l Longbaugh," a program of films for the kiddies! That's adorable! Hollywood Theatre , Clinton Street Theater , Kennedy School

Melinda and Melinda See review this issue. Fox Tower 10

Millions The last thing one would expect from the director of Trainspotting and 28 Days Later is a warm family film, but Danny Boyle's tale of two young brothers (Alexander Nathan Etel and Lewis Owen McGibbon) who find a duffel bag stuffed with cash is remarkably enjoyable. Keeping the money secret from their widower father (James Nesbitt), one boy hallucinates Christian saints who urge him to donate the money, while the other delights in spending the cash. Ultimately, Millions becomes less about the money and more about the boys' splintered family; despite a retarded subplot about a criminal looking for the cash and some unforgivably sappy moments, Millions is definitely worthwhile. (Erik Henriksen) Fox Tower 10

Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous See review this issue. Oak Grove 8 Theater , City Center 2
, Tigard Cinemas , Evergreen Parkway , Vancouver Plaza, Movies on TV , Division Street , Cinema 99 , Sherwood 10, Hilltop , Lloyd Cinemas , Century Eastport 16 , Century 16 Cedar Hills Crossing

Office Space Written and directed by Mike Judge, this little snoozer tells the story of an ordinary schmo (Ron Livingston) who desperately hates his rotten job at a high tech corporation. Other things happen, but since you actually LIVE the shit that happens in this movie, you won't think it's very funny either. (Screened as a benefit for animal rights activists SCHAC 7. ) (Wm. Steven Humprey) Hollywood Theatre

Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior Action fans have recently been going to theaters more out of depressed loyalty than genuine excitement. Cue Thailand's 29-year-old badass Tony Jaa, and his kickass film, Ong-Bak. Ong-Bak isn't about plot, or characters, or social significance. No, Ong-Bak is merely a calling card for Jaa--but it's a hell of an introduction. Movies on TV , Lloyd Mall

Open Screening Aspiring filmmakers, enthusiasts, and armchair critics gather and enjoy homemade shorts. A perfect chance to receive feedback from a supportive crowd. Bring your own film, or at least your own loudmouth opinions. Plus, admission is free! To enter a film, send an email to andrew@nwfilm.org. Guild Theater

Peace, Propaganda, and the Promised Land See review this issue. Clinton Street Theater

Peaceable Kingdom HIPPIE ALERT: Peaceable Kingdom is about a cattle rancher and dairy farmer who became "animal advocates," which is code for "loud-mouthed vegetarians." What's more, this screening is sponsored by the "Northwest Vegetarian Education & Empowerment Group," an organization which sounds like it comes from a bad SNL sketch--yet apparently actually exists. Central Library

Postman in the Mountains A sentimental journey filled with beautiful Chinese landscapes, Postman in the Mountains is a story of a father and son adapting to the next stages in their lives. Father (Rujun Ten) can no longer carry the mail through his mountainous postal route, so he takes one last trip with his son (Ye Liu), teaching him about the terrain and the people along the 70-mile, three-day trudge. The film takes its time--unfolding through flashbacks and conversations--so plan on nuanced character development and plenty of misty panoramic views. Also plan on calling your dad to tell him that you really do love him and that you finally understand why he's always seemed so distant. (Ryan Dirks) Whitsell Auditorium

The Ring Two I really shouldn't recommend The Ring Two, because it's neither good nor scary. That said, it does have a hilarious scene in which a bunch of CG deer attack a Volkswagen Jetta--and you can bet your sweet ass you aren't going to see that in Million Dollar Baby or Hotel Rwanda. So c'mon! Get your ass to The Ring Two! It has deer! Attacking! (Erik Henriksen) Lake Twin Cinema , Oak Grove 8 Theater , Century Eastport 16 , Century 16 Cedar Hills Crossing , Movies on TV , Sherwood 10
, Hilltop , Broadway Metroplex , Evergreen Parkway , Vancouver Plaza, Lloyd Cinemas, Division Street , City Center 12 , Tigard Cinemas , Cinema 99 , Lloyd Cinemas

Saints and Soldiers See review this issue Westgate , Lloyd Mall

Schultze Gets the Blues Gently funny, this film is full of the sort of geriatric humor that ensues from putting a fat old German guy in an unfamiliar environment. (Marjorie Skinner) Fox Tower 10

Spike and Mike's Sick and Twisted Festival of Animation The good ones: three Happy Tree Friends shorts (which you can rent at the video store). The bad ones: everything else. (Wm. Steven Humphrey) Cinema 21

Structural Ethnographies: Sharon Lockhart Cinema Project's latest program, in which artist Sharon Lockhart will present two of her films, Goshogaoka and NO. See "Arts Rodeo" in next week's Mercury for more info. Cinema Project @ New American Art Union

Travelers and Magicians This charming, philosophical film takes place in Bhutan, a Buddhist kingdom in Middle of Nowhere, Asia. Dondup (Tsewang Dandup) is a young man who's just been given an important position in his village, but consumed by the pop cultural influences that filter down to him, he dismisses it in exchange for an opportunity to go to the U.S., Travelers and Magicians is a subtly engaging film with a quiet, simple message, leaving just enough give in its construction for the viewer to conclude their own version of the point. (Marjorie Skinner) Laurelhurst

Underworld USA An "epic revenge drama" presented as part of the NWFC's Noir City series. Directed by Samuel Fuller (director of The Crimson Kimono, which is also playing this week), Underworld follows a vigilante (Cliff Robertson) who tries to take down his father's killers. Guild Theater

Up and Down See review this issue. Fox Tower 10

Westworld Michael Crichton's tale of an amusement park gone horribly awry--no, not Jurassic Park. This one's with robots! Starring Yul Brenner as a robotic badass, and James Brolin as an organic badass. Laurelhurst