The Reaping has 96 minutes to cycle through all 10 Old Testament plagues, roughly breaking down to a plague hitting every 9.6 minutes—which seems about right for that many locusts, boils, and gallons of blood. Still, you'll just be left wondering how something so inherently timeless as biblical plagues could feel so dreadfully long and forced.

Hilary Swank plays Katherine Winter, a former ordained minister who lost her family and faith in a mission in Sudan. Now a university professor and the foremost expert on refuting religious miracles, she's provided scientific explanations for over 40 different mystical occurrences... until she gets roped into checking out Haven, Louisiana, where things get all Exodus on her ass. The river's red, the cattle are dying, and frogs are falling from the heavens, all making for one messy little burg. A friendly townie provides Katherine with lodging while she investigates a little girl who's being blamed for the town's misfortunes—because, you know, this blonde 12-year-old must be the devil.

If all this science vs. supernatural business seems a tad bit The X-Files, you've hit the nail on the head. The Reaping is an overlong TV episode of that show, minus Mulder and Scully's banter, but complete with a trite ending. For horror fans, the film has enough jarring, jump-from-your-seat moments to make you suspicious of every dark corner: There must have been at least 1.5 scares per plague, breaking down to at least 15 moments when the teenage girls behind me screamed their faces off and nearly wet their pants. If that's your idea of fun, here you go—and you'll be delighted to know that with obvious room left for a sequel, you can already start looking forward to The Reaping 2: Million Dollar Babylon.