And the Mercury's celebration of fantasy movies continues! This week: The glory of animated sword and sorcery!
• The Last Unicorn (1982)—Being a chick, I love everything about this movie. I love unicorn hair and harpy titties and pirate cats and that alcoholic gay skeleton. I love the background scenery, soft and stylized like a medieval tapestry. I love when that butterfly calls the unicorn "My pickle-faced consumptive Mary Jane," and when the outlaw king says, "Have a taco." I love Angela Lansbury and Jeff Bridges. I love this movie's creepiness and also its sadness (kids don't get enough real darkness these days); and mostly I love a doomed love.
• Wizards (1977)—First, imagine a nuclear war that destroys all human civilization. (Hey, topical!) Then imagine that two million years later, an evil wizard digs up some Nazi propaganda films, christens himself Führer, and leads his goofy mutant hordes in battle against the Arcadian elf kingdom next door, which happens to be ruled by the evil wizard's barefoot hippie brother. Finally, imagine the whole thing animated by Ralph Bakshi with weird rotoscoping, a jazzy soundtrack, and lots of slutty fairy boobs. And what do you get? A really, really, not-very-interesting movie, actually.
• Dragons: Fire & Ice (2004)—So I tried to rent Fire and Ice (my first mistake), another Bakshi animated cult classic—but instead, I accidentally rented Dragons: Fire & Ice (the mistake that ruined my weekend). Do not rent Dragons: Fire & Ice. You know when you're playing a videogame and you get past a certain level and they make you watch a long, boring video to advance the "plot"? That's exactly what this crappy, CGI, made-for-TV movie is like, except it's an hour and a half long. "Hahahahahahaha! Feel the icy rage of my wrath, Dragon King!" Um, no thanks.