Tomb Raider
dir. Simon West
Now Playing
Various Theaters

[Armand Melwicki is a frequent Mercury contributor best known for his columns, "Hey, Look at Dis Feesh!", "Hey, Look at Dis Cheekin!", and the award-winning, "Hey, Look at Dis Leep Steek!"--eds.]

The keeds, they are always yelling on me. "Pa-pa, pa-pa! Take me to the veedio games!" "Pa-pa, pa-pa! Take me to get the Honey Baked Ham sandwich!" Sometimes the ears, they feel like they gonna spleet. But the Father's day? Ahhhh that is Pa-pa's day, no? The Pa-pa? He get to do whatever he want. So the keeds, they seeng, "Happy Pa-pa day, pa-pa! Take us to see the Lara Croft!" Again, the ears they spleet.

"Who is thees Lara Croft persons?" I ask. So they show me the Rolleeng Stone. And the Lara Croft? There she ees. Right there on the cover. And she is beautiful! She has the eyes! Yes, and she has the soft body! And ohhhhh she has the leeps. Beautiful, beeg leeps. So I say, "Okay! We go see the Lara Croft!" "Hurrah!" they yell. "We love the pa-pa!"

So in the feelm? The Lara Croft is not only very beautiful, she very, very reech. She leeve in the mansion, and in the spare time? She raids the tombs. She go inside the tombs, and she say, "Hey! What's this in here? Okay, I take eet home with me!" But one day, she remember what her own pa-pa tell her: "Daughter Lara Croft? I hide a magical key for you, and then one day? The planets, they all line up. Then you use the key to find thees broken triangle theeng. You put the triangle together, and voila! You travel back een time to visit me, because I am dead."

So the Lara Croft say, "Okay!" But these other peoples? They want broken triangle, too! But they want for bad theengs. So! Everybody wants the key. FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! Everybody wants the broken triangle! SHOOT! SHOOT! SHOOT! Ah, hah! But eet is the Lara Croft who weens, because she puts the triangle together and then she go back to see her dead pa-pa. And thees so sad? I CRY! I cry so loud I mees the end where the theengs blow up, and my keeds, they yell, "Pa-pa! Stop! You are the eembarassment."

So we leave the feelm, and I say, "Keeds? The meaning of thees feelm is you always love your pa-pa. 'Cause you know? He not around forever!" And the keeds, they say, "Yes, pa-pa, yes. Now take us to get the Honey Baked Ham sandwich." So we do, and they are good. Ahhh life. Eeets good with the ham sandwich.