I love men. I love mean ones, and nice ones, and fat ones, and skinny ones. But most of all, I love super-hot ones. And since I'm only usually allowed one hot piece of man meat at a time, I get my kicks on the side by cruising the PSU campus, spending my evenings shoving dollars down underpants at Three Sisters, and renting classic films starring my favorite hot babes.

- The Scarlet Letter (1995)--I first fell for Gary Oldman's sinister good looks in 1992's Dracula, but since he got so little screen time while in human form I've had to resort to multiple viewings of The Scarlet Letter. In a fairly bad, campy realization of the book, Oldman plays the sex-crazed Rev. Arthur Dimmesdale, who violates the Puritan credo by humping and impregnating Hester Prynne (Demi Moore). Oldman is dashing as ever in the film, with long, flowing hair and a host of flattering Puritanical pantsuits.

-Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights (2004)--Starring the adorable Diego Luna (Y Tu Mamá También), Havana Nights is nowhere near as bad as you might expect. The best aspect of this sexy Cuban dance-fest is the complete unattractiveness of the boring blonde female lead (Ramola Garai). I mean, if Diego is going to nail that butterface, there's a good chance he's going to nail me--a rationalization that makes imagining my slutty dance numbers with Diego all the more erotic.

- You Can Count On Me (2000)--To anyone who has had to listen to me blab on about how effing much I love this movie, sorry, but here I go again. Mark Ruffalo plays Terry Prescott, a charmingly damaged wanderer who always ends up with a bum rap. A shout-out to the apathetic and disenfranchised, Ruffalo's performance will not only make you weep, it will make you want to take him to bed forever and screw all his problems away. (Note: for more overtly sexual Ruffalo footage, try the 2002 three-way flick XX/XY.)