spanish fly films

Sometimes you meet a boy or a girl who makes you feel tingly between your pockets. But sometimes that person is "shy." If so, you might try inviting them over to watch one of the following movies (or all three, if said person is a Mormon).

• Secretary (2002)--Fresh out of the crazy house, a young girl (the oddly mesmerizing Maggie Gyllenhaal) decides to start her life over by working as a secretary for the creepiest man alive (everyone's favorite loafer-with-no-socks-clad bad guy, James Spader). He convinces her to stop abusing herself and let him do it for her instead. Potentially the hottest film ever made. Just tie me to something and let's call it a day.

• Basic Instinct (1992)--A cop (Michael Douglas) investigates an author of crime novels (Sharon Stone)--who just happens to be a bisexual who hates wearing underwear--as a potential murder suspect. By "investigates" I mean "has sex with her a lot of times in various places."

• 9 1/2 weeks (1986)--The most important quality of a "romantic" movie is the facility with which one can recreate key scenes at home. This one is especially wonderful because all you need is chili pepper, some honey, and Kim Basinger. I'm sure the movie has other plot points, but having seen it only three times, I can't remember any.

• Tokyo Decadence (1992)--This film follows a submissive Japanese hooker around to numerous "client meetings," during which her physical safety often hangs in the balance. If it didn't have subtitles, it would be porn. But since it does, it's art. J.B. RABIN