dysfunction Junction

Hey boys and girls! Today we're going to talk about something called li-bi-do. Everyone has one (sort of like a nose), but not everyone's is normal (sort of like Michael Jackson's). When you come across someone that has an ab-nor-mal one, the best thing to do is to laugh and point at them. Try renting these three movies to get an idea of what we're talking about.

- Thomas In Love (2000)--The French are abnormal to begin with: they eat snails and can't seem to leave their houses without a scarf on. Added to which they've made a movie, ostensibly based in the future, about a man (that you never see) who's agoraphobia is so severe he can only have sex with women over the computer using state-of-the-art sci-fi cybersex suits. This leads to a lot of frustration and, of course, falling in love with a prostitute.

- The Big Chill (1983)--A young William Hurt will do it for most anyone. He certainly does it for all the women in this film. Trouble is, he won't do it with any of the women in this film. Or, should I say, he can't. He plays a pill popping, sportscar driving Vietnam vet who earned a purple heart by getting a purple penis. No lifty-lifty for Willy's willy. But see the film anyway, because it's quite possibly the best ensemble movie ever made.

- Crash (1996)--People are turned on by a lot of things: lesbians, farm animals, men in tweed, dildos in the shape of corn, sexually explicit photography exhibits involving women with tennis rackets, but sometimes--every once in a while--you get someone who is turned on by stuff that is fucked up beyond all reason. Case in point: car crash fetishists. James Spader, Holly Hunter, and the ever-underrated Elias Koteas star in this David Cronenberg gem heavily sprinkled with the word "anus" and staged auto accidents. Do not try this at home (unless you have a vintage Porsche boxter). J.B. RABIN