THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 22
8:00 NBC MUST SEE TV PREMIERES
Season Premieres! This is your stomach's cue to churn in agony over the return of Joey, The Apprentice, and ER.
9:00 ABC DANCING WITH THE STARS: DANCE-OFF RESULTS!
America has voted, and tonight we'll see who wins the dance-off: John O'Hurley or that talentless tart Kelly Monaco.
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 23
9:00 NBC THREE WISHES
Season Premiere! A manipulative show featuring Christian singer Amy Grant granting poor families three wishes. (Whatever happened to Jesus granting wishes?)
10:00 SCIFI BATTLESTAR GALACTICA
Season Finale! The Galactica crew discovers another battlestar—and it's filled with assholes!
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 24
8:00 ABC CATCH ME IF YOU CAN—Movie
(2002) Leo DiCaprio stars as identity-switching con man on the run from FBI agent/nerd Tom Hanks.
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 25
9:00 ABC DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
Season Premiere! Creepy Zach holds Susan hostage... and who's the new black neighbor?
10:00 HBO CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM
Season Premiere! Larry David returns in the most hilarious, misanthropic show on TV!
MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 26
8:00 FOX ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT
Michael is totally in love with his new English girlfriend... now if only something could be done about her teeth...
9:00 FOX PRISON BREAK
In danger of being transferred to another prison, Michael cranks up his escape plan.
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 27
9:00 WB SUPERNATURAL
The brothers investigate some mysterious drownings in a show that doesn't suck as much as I initially feared.
9:30 NBC THE OFFICE
When his pal Todd shows up at the office, Michael becomes more inappropriate than ever.
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 28
9:00 UPN VERONICA MARS
Season Premiere! Veronica's on the case when Wallace mysteriously tests positive for goof balls.
9:00 ABC LOST
Sawyer, Michael, and Jin discover a new predator in the ocean: torpedo-launching invisible polar bears!