THURSDAY, DECEMBER 6
10:00 ABC BARBARA WALTERS: 10 MOST FASCINATING PEOPLE OF 2007
Babs interviews the Beckhams (not fascinating), Justin Timberlake (fascinating!), and Prez Bill Clinton (fascinating—in 1807).
10:00 NBC ER
It's the show's 300th episode in which they treat 300 patients, and bore their last 300 viewers.
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 7
9:00 USA MONK
The obsessive-compulsive Mr. Monk investigates Santa's death. (His beard is SO gross!)
9:00 CBS MOVIES ROCK!
A musical salute to the cinema starring Beyoncé, Jennifer Hudson, and inexplicably popular "butter face" Fergie.
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 8
9:00 SCIFI EYE OF THE BEAST—Movie (2007)
A scientist (Dawson's Creek's James Van Der Beek) battles a giant squid! YES!!!
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 9
9:00 VH1 AMERICA'S MOST SMARTEST MODEL
Season finale! The smartest model crown is awarded after their final test: Who doesn't put their underpants on backward?
10:30 E! SNOOP DOGG'S FATHER HOOD
Debut! To relieve his stress, Snoop tries yoga and meditation (aaaaaaand maybe a bong hit or two?).
MONDAY, DECEMBER 10
8:30 CW ALIENS IN AMERICA
The family takes their Pakistani exchange student to a Christian church, and hilarity ensues.
9:30 COM SOUTH PARK
Gather the kids around for this holiday classic: "Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo."
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 11
10:00 FX NIP/TUCK
Things go horribly awry when Sean and Christian perform a tummy tuck on Santa.
10:00 MTV A SHOT AT LOVE WITH TILA TEQUILA
Season finale! The horny bisexual must choose between a man and a woman. Poor, poor Tila.
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 12
8:00 CW AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL
Season finale! The winner is crowned and it better be the gal with Ass Burgers! (It's not funny—she has burgers in her ass.)
9:00 CW CROWNED
Debut! Mother-and-daughter teams compete in the most sadistic beauty pageant yet!