THURSDAY, AUGUST 17

9:00 NBC AMERICA'S GOT TALENT

Season Finale! The winner gets a million dollars, and David Hasselhoff gets shipped back to Germany.

10:00 FX IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA

Season Finale! The gang ends their second big season with something so offensive, they're too offended to say what it is.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 18

8:00 FOX SPIDER-MAN—Movie

(2002) Toby Maguire stars as a teen who gets powers from a radioactive spider—WHICH DOESN'T WORK IN REAL LIFE, BTW. (I tried.)

SATURDAY, AUGUST 19

9:00 LIF THE FANTASIA BARRINO STORY

Sure, life isn't a fairy tale—but it could be worse. You could be Justin Guarini!

10:00 VH1 I LOVE THE '70S, VOL. 2

An in-depth report on 1978, including Devo, the original Battlestar Galactica, and those awesome ABC After School Specials!

SUNDAY, AUGUST 20

8:00 FOX TEEN CHOICE AWARDS

Featuring Rihanna (EEEEEE!), Nelly Furtado (EEEEE!) and a performance by... KEVIN FEDERLINE?? (TOTALLY BARF!)

10:00 COM THE WILLIAM SHATNER ROAST

Comedians make fun of Star Trek's William Shatner. Right... pick on the fat guy!

MONDAY, AUGUST 21

8:00 FOX PRISON BREAK

Season Premiere! Bellick leads the guards on a hunt for the escaped prisoners—luckily they left a trail of BOOOORING!

9:00 FOX VANISHED

Debut! A congressman's wife is kidnapped, and all signs point to a huge conspiracy! I personally blame Sasquatch.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 22

10:00 OXY BREAKING UP WITH SHANNEN DOHERTY

Debut! Though I would love to break up with her, Shannen shows other people how to break up.

10:00 VH1 THE FLAVOR OF LOVE

To help find his one true love, Flav challenges the girls to clean up his messy friend's house. Run, girls, RUN!

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 23

8:00 PBS AMERICAN MASTERS

After director Elia Kazan is grilled for being a Commie, playwright Arthur Miller turns against his old friend.

10:30 MTV TWO-A-DAYS

Debut! A documentary series on Alabama high school football. (Something only slightly less scary than wearing meat underpants in a dog pound.)