THURSDAY, OCTOBER 19
8:00 CW SMALLVILLE
Clark discovers the secret identity of the Green Arrow, and renames him "that pussy who shoots arrows."
8:30 NBC THE OFFICE
Dwight escorts Ryan on his first sales call—to the Schrute beet farm!
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 20
9:00 SCI BATTLESTAR GALACTICA
Sharon attempts to organize the insurgents... which I think would be far more effective if she wore a bikini.
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 21
11:00 AM A&E MI-5 MARATHON!
Eight awesome episodes of this smart and sassy Brit secret agent drama!
8:00 ABC HARRY POTTER AND THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS—Movie
(2002) To tell you the truth, I can't tell which one is which anymore. But I think this one is pre-puberty.
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 22
10:00 TOON PEE-WEE'S PLAYHOUSE
Pee-wee and Miss Yvonne play "store." Plus, Pee-wee is on the receiving end of a "boomerang." Wink. Wink.
10:00 VH1 CELEBRITY PARANORMAL PROJECT
Debut! One of the few shows where you can watch Gilbert Gottfried wet his pants.
MONDAY, OCTOBER 23
8:00 FOX PRISON BREAK
Sucre steals $5 million from the escapees. Sheesh! If you can't trust a prisoner, who can you trust?
9:00 LIF WHY I WORE LIPSTICK TO MY MASTECTOMY—Movie
(2006) Stick around for the double feature, "Why I Ate a Roast Beef Sandwich During My Colonoscopy."
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 24
8:00 ABC DANCING WITH THE STARS
Possibly the only show where all the contestants are sleeping with each other. Except Jerry Springer.
9:00 CW VERONICA MARS
It's Veronica to the rescue when poor little rich boy Logan discovers his trust fund is running out!
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 25
8:00 CW AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL
This week's special guest star: Fabio! All together now... EEEEEE!!
9:00 ABC LOST
While attempting to escape "The Others," Sawyer's penis slips and falls into Kate's vagina.