THURSDAY, JANUARY 4

8:30 NBC THE OFFICE

Michael returns from his mystery vacation at Sandals—and all his employees got was a lousy T-shirt!

11:00 SPIKE AFRO SAMURAI

Debut! It's revenge time in this new cartoon about a samurai soul brother—voiced by Samuel L. Jackson?? AWESOME!

FRIDAY, JANUARY 5

10:30 E! SURVEILLANCE

Debut! Yet another new cartoon about the secret lives of celebs—this one is NOT voiced by Samuel L. Jackson. BOOOOO!

SATURDAY, JANUARY 6

9:00 FOX AMERICA'S MOST WANTED

"America fights back" in this special episode where normal Americans fight back against criminally awful shows like this one.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 7

8:00 NBC GREASE: YOU'RE THE ONE I WANT

Debut! A new reality show where regular people try out for the lead roles in a Broadway production of Grease. You may kill me now.

9:00 VH1 THE SURREAL LIFE: FAME GAMES

Debut! Washed-up celebs from previous seasons return to compete in crazy competitions! Let the humiliation commence!

MONDAY, JANUARY 8

8:00 LIFE GAY, STRAIGHT, OR TAKEN?

Debut! Women test their intuition on three dates where they must guess if the men are gay, straight, or taken. (They left out serial murderers!)

9:00 VH1 I LOVE NEW YORK

Debut! The sass-talking contestant from Flavor of Love returns with her own dating show—where spitting is always encouraged!

TUESDAY, JANUARY 9

9:00 FOX HOUSE

On the eve of his court date, Dr. House checks into rehab. (Anybody got a shark? This show is ready to jump.)

9:00 CBS PEOPLE'S CHOICE AWARDS

The annual pity party celebrating celebs who can't get an award anywhere else. Among the nominees: Jennifer Aniston.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 10

8:00 CBS ARMED & FAMOUS

Debut! Erik and the gang start basic police training. (Can someone hurry up and taser La Toya?)