As always, humor trumps cruelty. steve@portlandmercury.com

Thursday, June 278:00 FOX BEYOND BELIEFA con man wonders what that burning smell is all about when an enemy sets his voodoo doll on fire.8:00 OXY WELCOME TO THE DOLLHOUSE--Movie(1995) The joys of puberty are explored in this comedy about an 11-year-old nerd in New Jersey.

Friday, June 288:00 TVLAND THE LOVE BOATCap'n Stubin hits the roof after discovering a pal of his is teaching lil' Vicki how to gamble!9:00 PAX THE JUNIOR MISS PAGEANTHideously dressed teens compete to see who can wear the most make-up.

Saturday, June 298:00 ABC FOR YOUR EYES ONLY--Movie(1981) James Bond competes against the commies for a chance to nab a secret device and bone a super-model.10:00 HIS PROSTITUTION: SEX IN THE CITYWhoopee! A documentary about hookers.

Sunday, June 308:00 AMC THE LONGEST YARD--Movie(1974) Burt Reynolds wins the prison yard football game against the guards using his uncanny ability to hit people in the nuts.9:00 ABC ALIASIt's just another day in SD-6 when Sloane orders Sydney to be tortured and killed.

Monday, July 18:00 ABC SLING BLADE--Movie(1996) Billy Bob Thornton is slightly retarded (at least he is in this movie) and befriends a boy and his mother.

10:30 MTV SORORITY LIFE

In this new documentary series, the sorority "rush week" provides an opportunity for a group of girls to act more irrational than ever.

Tuesday, July 28:00 UPN BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYERA repeat performance of Buffy, the Musical, one of the best episodes ever and sadly, the only bright spot in a truly crappy season.8:30 NBC SPY TVA gardener accidentally drenches a group of mourners at a funeral. Okay... now that is not funny!!

Wednesday,

July 38:00 VH1 SHOWGIRLS--Movie(1995) Saved by the Bell's Elizabeth Berkley shimmies up the strip club pole of success in what is possibly the most brilliantly bad film ever made.