Thursday, December 19

8:00 CBS SURVIVOR THAILANDIt's down to the three remaining contestants, so why can't they simply decide it with a machete fight to the death?

8:00 E! TRUE HOLLYWOOD STORY: STEVEN SEAGALHollywood's thickest leading actor demonstrates how to kick ass and look like you're taking a crap at the same time.

Friday, December 20

8:30 WB SABRINA THE TEENAGE WITCHSabrina and her pals shake their sweet booties with glassy-eyed MTV personality Carson Daly.

9:00 CBS HACKHack, the disgraced cop turned cabbie, gets his Christmas prayers answered when he gets to beat the crap out of a crackhead.

Saturday, December 21

8:00 CBS TOUCHED ON THE SWIMSUIT AREA BY AN ANGELA very special holiday episode--but not for Jews, okay? Just for Christians.

8:00 ABC SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER--MovieTakes us back to the good ol' days, when Travolta wasn't the size of a house and could still cut a rug.

Sunday, December 22

9:00 WB ANGELAngel and the gang celebrate the holidays by roasting a demon's chestnuts over an open fire.

9:00 ABC ALIASSydney questions the sincerity of her mother's goodwill gesture and looks really hot.

Monday, December 23

10:00 CBS CSI: MIAMIHoratio discovers an unwelcome surprise on Christmas day... Santa's bag is filled with bloody guts!

Tuesday, December 24

9:00 WB SMALLVILLEClark cries like a baby when his "parents" tell him all about when he was a baby and they found him in a cornfield.

10:30 MTV THE OSBOURNESThe Osbourne family wishes their viewers "a merry ****ing X-Mas, and a bloody ****ing New Year!" Goodness, the language.

Wednesday, December 259:00 NBC THE WEST WINGWhy do they always have to show repeats on Christmas day? They're TV characters for crap's sake! They don't need vacations!

9:00 UPN THE TWILIGHT ZONEA boy beset by bullies conjures up his favorite superhero to help him get revenge, and it isn't Aquaman!