Thursday, March 20

9:00 ABC ARE YOU HOT?The two finalists are shocked when it's revealed that in order to win, they have to prove proficiency in basic arithmetic.

10:20 BBC THE OFFICEAnother great reason to get cable! Don't miss this heee-larious British series about the most dysfunctional office ever (not including yours, of course).

Friday, March 21

8:00 NBC THE MOST TALENTED KID IN AMERICASaved by the Bell's Mario Lopez hosts this singing/dancing kiddie talent show... but wouldn't it be more useful to find a kid that could shut his goddamn mouth for five minutes?

8:00 FOX FASTLANEVan and Deaq are forced to stop chasing after sweet pieces of ass to catch a raging psychopath!


March 22

8:00 ABC GOOD WILL HUNTING--Movie(1997) A therapist (Robin Williams) counsels a genius janitor (Matt Damon). How do you like 'dem apples?

9:00 USA NASHVILLE STARApparently inbred rednecks need careers too, as evidenced by this C&W talent show.

Sunday, March 23

5:30 ABC THE ACADEMY AWARDSPlease, please, let Catherine Zeta-Jones lose the Oscar and go on a pregnant, vengeful rampage!!

9:00 ABC BARBARA WALTERSBarbara welcomes the following blubbering crybabies: Nick Cage, Julianne Moore, and Renee Zellweger.

Monday, March 24

9:00 FOX MARRIED BY AMERICAFive engaged couples (who have just met) plan a wedding and try not to tear each other's eyes out.

Tuesday, March 25

8:00 UPN BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYERPrincipal Wood looks for his chance to put a big fat stake right up Spike's skinny, Limey ass.

9:00 FOX 24Now that the nuclear bomb has been safely detonated, it's time for America to do what she does best: RETALIATE!!

Wednesday, March 26

8:00 CBS SURVIVOR: AMAZONAn inter-tribe romance develops. Haven't these people ever heard the phrase "Don't dip your piranha in tribal poisoned dart juice"?

9:00 WB ANGELCordy and Connor reveal they are going to be the proud parents of a bouncing baby three-headed demon from the bowels of hell.