Thursday, May 8

8:00 WB PITCH BLACK--Movie (2000) Space explorers crash on a planet filled with hungry nocturnal creatures, and even worse, Vin Diesel.

8:00 FOX MISS DOG BEAUTY PAGEANT Dogs from across America compete to see who is the most beautiful, and therefore, objectified.

Friday, May 9

8:00 FOX THE MATRIX--Movie (1999) Calling all techno nerds! A good chance to get reacquainted with Neo (and to put down your LOTR action figures).

10:30 VH1 GIRLS GONE WILD UNCOVERED A repeat of the behind-the-scenes shenanigans of Girls Gone Wild that got its creator thrown in the hoosegow!

Saturday, May 10

9:00 E! TRUE HOLLYWOOD STORY A peek at the party-hearty lives of the Hilton heiresses and gossip column darlings Paris and Nikki Hilton.

9:00 TNN MOST EXTREME ELIMINATION Contestants receive painful retribution in this takeoff of Japanese game shows!

Sunday, May 11

8:00 CBS SURVIVOR: THE AMAZON Season Finale! The final survivor will receive a million bucks, and hopefully a new asshole (to be ripped by the other contestants).

9:00 FOX BEVERLY HILLS, 90210: 10-YEAR HIGH SCHOOL REUNION The cast of the most popular high-school soap ever reunites to compare colostomy bags.

Monday, May 12

8:00 FOX BOSTON PUBLIC A student convinces Whitney Houston to be his prom date (in exchange for a bag of weed--I KID! I KID!).

Tuesday, May 13

8:00 UPN BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER Buffy receives a brand-new weapon to fight the First, and Angel pops in to make things even more emotionally difficult.

9:00 SCI THE SECRET KGB UFO PSYCHIC FILES Why, those goddam Commies with their dad-blasted Rooskie psychic spacecraft! MAW! Git mah squirrel rifle!

Wednesday, May 14

8:00 WB DAWSON'S CREEK Series Finale! Dawson and the gang reunite five years in the future to reminisce and wonder why no one ever smacked them in the mouth for being such smart-mouthed sassy-ass kids.

10:00 ABC EXTREME MAKEOVERS A woman reveals her new plastic surgery to her boyfriend on their wedding day. This is exactly why they created annulments.

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