Thursday, July 17 10:00 NBC DATELINE NBC Tonight's episode is "J.LO and Ben: America's Couple." They're a couple of ________, that's for sure! (Fill in the blank and send your response to the address below.)

10:00 TLC MIAMI MORGUE Your average forensic show about average murders--but the corpses are (unnh!) sooooooo sexy!

Friday, July 18 8:00 UPN SUPERCOP 2--Movie (1993) Hotsy-totsy high-kickin' Michelle Yeoh stars as a special agent ordered to shut down a crime ring--which is led by her boyfriend!

10:00 MTV SPIDER-MAN Don't miss this new computer-generated Spidey cartoon. It kicks ass!

Saturday, July 19 8:30 WGN PREDATOR--Movie (1987) Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger gets his booty whipped up and down the jungle by an invisible alien hunter.

9:00 TOON TEEN TITANS Debut! The super-powered teens leap into action when mutant crooks rob Hot Topic.

Sunday, July 20 8:30 FOX BANZAI Tonight's special competition: The "Michael Jackson Vertical Fire Challenge!"

10:00 NBC THE RESTAURANT Debut! A new reality show which documents the opening of a fancy restaurant (perfect for those service industry workers who can't get enough of their day-jobs!).

Monday, July 21 8:00 NBC FEAR FACTOR Six Miss USA Pageant contestants face their fears by eating cow eyeballs, leaping off buildings, and temporarily misplacing their eyeliner.

Tuesday, July 22 8:00 TLC FACELIFTS FROM HELL Cosmetic surgery horror stories such as Michael Jackson, Joan Rivers, and my Aunt Wanda (whose face looks like a trampoline).

10:00 OXY PARTY GIRL--Movie (1995) Parker Posey stars as the coke-tootin' party gal who dreams of becoming a spinster librarian!

Wednesday, July 23 10:00 ABC FAVORITE STARS: THEN & NOW Hollywood wash-ups such as Susan Hawk, Charlene Tilton, and Will Wheaton try to convince us their lives still have some meaning.

10:30 COM RENO 911! Debut! A spoof of Cops, featuring the easily corruptible officers of Reno, Nevada.

EEEEEEE! Oh, crap... for a second I thought you were a teen.