Thursday, August 14

9:30 NBC QUEER EYE FOR THE STRAIGHT GUY If you don't get the Bravo channel, check out this 30-minute version of the best show of the summer!

10:00 MTV TRUE LIFE This week, the topic is obsessed dog owners, who cook their pets fancy meals, let them sleep in fancy beds, and give them fancy French kisses. Yeeeeeackkkk!

Friday, August 15

10:00 MTV SPIDER-MAN Spidey gets conned into a high profile robbery by that villainous tub of lard, Kingpin!

10:00 USA MONK When investigating the death of a porn publisher, Detective Monk gets a hard-on... for solving the case!

Saturday, August 16

7:00 TBS DEEP BLUE SEA--Movie (1999) A terrific B-movie thriller about genetically enhanced super-sharks that love the taste of human ass.

9:00 NBC BATTLE OF THE NETWORK STARS An updated version of the '70s classic (and hopefully the contestants will still be dressed in tight satin shorts).

Sunday, August 17

7:00 ABC X-GAMES Featuring skateboarding, BMX bike racing, wakeboarding, and probably eating broken light bulbs. Oh those kids and their crazy sports!

9:00 HBO SEX AND THE CITY In a very special and heart-rending episode, Carrie faces personal tragedy when her favorite shoes are stolen.

Monday, August 18

9:00 NBC FOR LOVE OR MONEY 2 Greedy Erin flips her wig when Rob (from Love or Money 1) returns with a vengeance.

Tuesday, August 19

8:00 HALL ESCAPE TO WITCH MOUNTAIN--Movie (1975) Two psychic twins are on the run from an evil Coors tycoon who wants to put them in his "Here's to Psychic Twins" ad campaign.

10:00 FX NIP/TUCK Christian discovers a great new place to get laid; a Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting!

Wednesday, August 20

8:00 COURT SMOKING GUN TV Your favorite tell-all gossipy website comes to TV, featuring legal briefs, photos, and celebrity shenanigans.

8:00 FX BACHELOR PARTY--Movie (1984) Tom Hanks is on the receiving end of the best bachelor party ever, which naturally includes wacky best friends, hookers, drug abuse, and one dead mule.

Let me know if you meet Tori Spelling.