Thursday, December 4 8:00 CBS SURVIVOR: PEARL ISLANDS When normal backstabbing stops working, the castaways decide it might be easier to literally stab each other in the back.

9:00 SPIKE VIDEO GAME AWARDS The very first award show ever dedicated to video games! And Donkey Kong better freakin' win!!

Friday, December 5 8:00 FOX TV'S NAUGHTIEST BLUNDERS Real video clips of tragic circumstances made funnier by amusing sound effects.

8:00 VH1 HOLLYWOOD'S DIET DISORDERS Real celebrities with real eating disorders made funnier by amusing sound effects.

Saturday, December 6 8:00 WB CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG--Movie (1968) Dick Van Dyke invents a flying car to protect some kids from a villain who "smells" children. Creepy!

10:00 COM SOUTH PARK After a speech from the anti-cigarette coalition, the boys take up smoking. Oh! The exquisite irony!

Sunday, December 7 8:00 A&E PLAYBOY'S 50th ANNIVERSARY CELEBRATION Includes a daring nude photo shoot with the first-ever Playboy bunny, 79-year-old Mildred Melford.

9:00 ABC ALIAS Sydney enlists the help of her old roommate Will to get back at Vaughn's bitch of a wife.

Monday, December 8 9:00 NBC AVERAGE JOE Melana visits the ugly guys' hometowns where she discovers, yes, they're ugly there, too.

9:00 SCI BATTLESTAR GALACTICA Calling all nerds! It's the remake of the '80s sci-fi classic starring Edward James Olmos (and Starbuck is a girl!).

Tuesday, December 9 8:00 CBS RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER Government officials notify Santa he's in violation of affirmative action regulations by not hiring a specific quota of red-nosed reindeers.

8:30 FOX THE SIMPLE LIFE The horrors keep mounting for Paris and Nicole when they're forced to work at a fast-food restaurant AND wear hairnets!

Wednesday, December 10 9:00 ABC TRISTA AND RYAN'S WEDDING Trista is surprised when, after exchanging vows in a lavish Hollywood-style wedding, Ryan blows his brains out.