THURSDAY, JAN 15 8:00 NBC FRIENDS Rachel and Phoebe spot Chandler climbing into a car with a mysterious blonde. Please, godÉ let comic hijinx ensue!

10:30 HBO THE CHRIS ROCK SHOW Chris welcomes old school rap great, Biz Markie!

FRIDAY, JAN 16 8:00 VH1 LIVING WITH MICHAEL JACKSON The British documentary by Martin Bashir; not to be confused with "Living with Martha Stewart."

10:00 FOOD DWEEZIL AND LISA A new cooking show starring washed-up rockers Dweezil Zappa and Lisa Loeb. Whoopee! Now indierockers can learn how to make couscous!

SATURDAY, JAN 17 8:00 SPIKE MOST EXTREME ELIMINATION CHALLENGE Don't miss this hee-larious overdubbed Japanese gameshow featuring tons of ass-busting fun.

10:00 ABC MONK The obsessive-compulsive detective Monk meets a class of disgusting, infected high schoolers.

SUNDAY, JAN 18 9:00 WB THE SURREAL LIFE When the housemates go to work at a greasy spoon, they're shocked to discover their boss isÉ Gary Coleman?!?

9:30 HBO CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM After poking Ben Stiller in the eye with a meat skewer, Larry is forced to make something like an apology.

MONDAY, JAN 19 8:00 FOX AMERICAN IDOL Season Premiere! Simon, Randy and Paula return to ruin the hopes and dreams of thousands of wanna-be singers.

9:00 FOX MY BIG FAT OBNOXIOUS FIANCE Debut! A woman introduces her family to her new fiancé--a donkey that loves oral sex.

TUESDAY, JAN 20 6:00 ALL NETS STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS In an attempt to cover up the mistakes of last year, President Bush takes a stab at mass hypnosis.

9:00 UPN AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL Tonight's episode: There's nothing funnier than a model falling off a runway!

WEDNESDAY, JAN 21 9:00 FOX THE O.C. Jimmy comes up with an idea for a restaurant; it's like Hooters--except topless.

10:00 MTV NEWLYWEDS: NICK AND JESSICA Season Premiere! Jessica falls down a flight of stairs, and when she gets up, wonders what all the noise was about.