THURS, FEB 26 9:00 NBC THE APPRENTICE The contestants are ordered to market a new product: The Trump "Comb-Over" Comb.

10:00 NBC E.R. A crazy patient rams a military tank into the hospital. See, the problem with this show is that it's too realistic.

FRI, FEB 27 8:00 FOX GREAT AMERICAN CELEBRITY SPELLING BEE It's the final round of this all-celebrity spelling contest. Will George Jefferson beat Shirley Feeney?

9:00 DSC AMERICAN CHOPPER The world's most dysfunctional motorcycle-building family designs a chopper for late-night lunkhead Jay Leno.

SAT, FEB 28 8:00 ABC FORREST GUMP--Movie (1994) Tom Hanks portrays a marginally retarded chocolate lover who makes it big quoting corny sayings.

9:00 FOOD IRON CHEF FRANCE BATTLE The Iron Chefs travel to Ooh-La-La Land to kick the merde out of some Frenchie cooks.

SUN, FEB 29 5:30 ABC THE ACADEMY AWARDS Unless Janet Jackson's booby makes a surprise appearance, I'd rather be getting drunk and falling down the stairs.

8:00 HBO CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM MARATHON Four hee-larious episodes of the funniest comedy on TV (unless you count Arrested Development, which is also the funniest comedy on TV).

MON, MARCH 1 9:00 FOX FOREVER EDEN Debut! Contestants try to remain on a tropical resort by completing a host of deadly sins.

10:00 COM STRAIGHT PLAN FOR THE GAY MAN Four fat straight guys try to teach a Broadway dancer how to pick up chicks. (You knowÉ I think these guys are missing the point of Queer Eye.)

TUES, MARCH 2 9:30 SPIKE CRASH TEST To win cash and prizes, players are forced to successfully crash events like cheerleading competitions and 10-year class reunions.

10:00 VH1 INSIDE SOUTH PARK The very best clips from one of the dirtiest cartoons ever.

WED, MARCH 3 8:00 WB SMALLVILLE Adam is really going to start damaging his relationship with Lana if he keeps shooting guns at her.

9:00 ABC STEPHEN KING'S KINGDOM HOSPITAL Ghosts and goblins plague the staff and patients of a hospitalÉ but will they help out by emptying a bedpan? I don't think so.