THURSDAY, SEPT. 9 8:00 NBC NIGHT OF THE CRAPPY PREMIERES It's NBC's premiere night starting with Friends' spin-off Joey at 8:00 pm, followed by a brand new season of The Apprentice at 9:00 pm, and at 10:00 pm the pilot episode of CSI rip-off, Medical Investigation; a title that was possibly made up by a retarded monkey.

FRIDAY, SEPT. 10 9:00 VH1 THE SURREAL LIFE This reality show finds a new home at VH1, featuring such washed-up celebs as Charo, former NKOTB Jordan Knight andÉ Flavor Flav??

10:00 NBC MEDICAL INVESTIGATION Another new episode of the worst named show ever. Tonight, four teenage girls catch encephalitis. Hey, isn't that when your balls swell up super big?

SATURDAY, SEPT. 11 8:00 WB THE WB INSIDER It's a behind-the-scenes sneaky peek at your favorite returning WB shows, featuring Smallville's Tom Welling strutting around without his shirt on.

8:00 FX THE ROYAL TENENBAUMS--Movie (2001) Gene Hackman stars as a rotten patriarch trying to bring his eccentric rich family back together.

SUNDAY, SEPT. 12 8:00 A&E STAR WARS: EMPIRE OF DREAMS Calling all geeks! Don't miss this two-hour salute to the dorkiest sci-fi movie series of all time.

9:00 WB JACK & BOBBY Debut! A new WB soapster that imagines what would happen if JFK and his brother Bobby grew up now, and were super hot.

MONDAY, SEPT. 13 10:00 NBC LAX Debut! Heather Locklear and Blair Underwood return in this hyped-up soap opera aboutÉ the Los Angeles airport? ZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzÉ

TUESDAY, SEPT. 14 9:00 NBC FATHER OF THE PRIDE Sierra's mom and pop suspect she may be a "niphead" after discovering a bag of catnip in her room.

9:00 FOX THE NEXT GREAT CHAMP Former heavyweight champ Larry Holmes drops by the gym to offer up some advice on how to detach your opponent's retina.

WEDNESDAY, SEPT. 15 9:00 NBC SIEGFRIED & ROY: THE MIRACLE Mauled illusionist Roy Horn discusses how having a tiger eat his ass off really changed his life.

10:30 COM RENO 911! The poop hits the fan when the District Attorney investigates the sheriff's department!