THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 16 8:00 CBS SURVIVOR: VANUATU Season Premiere! 16 new contestants get an ass-burning surprise when they're dropped off at the base of a volcano! 8:00 FOX THE O.C.: OBSESS COMPLETELY Can't wait until the November 4th premiere of The O.C. ? Check out this pre-season O.C. tease!

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 17 9:30 WB GROUNDED FOR LIFE Season Premiere! Brad returns from Space Camp begging Lily for a second chance in one of the few very funny sit-coms. 9:30 TOON ATOMIC BETTY Brainy gal next door turns into a galactic superhero in this cute-as-a-goddamn-button cartoon.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 18 8:30 TOON JUSTICE LEAGUE UNLIMITED It's a new record for the J.L.A. when they're forced to ask for 24 EXTRA superheroes' help in kicking the ass of an android. 9:00 ABC MISS AMERICA Women from all across the country tape their ass cheeks together in the name of feminism.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 19 8:00 ABC THE EMMY AWARDS The best in prime time television is celebrated in this annual awards show. So where's the "Lifetime Achievement" award for Green Acres? 9:00 WB JACK & BOBBY Jack takes his mom to task for being a dope-blowing pothead.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 20 10:00 CBS CSI: MIAMI Season Premiere! A member of the CSI team is whacked while investigating a grisly murder.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 21 8:00 WB GILMORE GIRLS Season Premiere! Lorelei hits the roof when she catches Rory and her currently married ex-boyfriend doing the hokey-porky. 9:00 WB ONE TREE HILL Season Premiere! Lucas and Keith come crawling back to town after learning of Dan's heart attack. HA! Suckers.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 22 8:00 UPN AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL Season Premiere! The models' out-of-control pool party makes Girls Gone Wild look like Sunday morning at a nunnery. 8:00 WB SMALLVILLE Season Premiere! Clark has been reprogrammed as Kal-El, and returns to Smallville with a mission to take his shirt off.