I don't know if you know, but back in olden times, ages ago, there was a place called Egypt. The president of Egypt was named Pharaoh, and he did not like Jews at all. "These Children of Israel," he said, "I don't like them. Not at all." Pharaoh started murdering all the Hebrewean boy-babies—except, um, hellooooo! LOOPHOLE! I guess no one told Pharaoh about a little thing called a basket, and another little thing called a Nile River!!! Long story short, one baby survived.

Okay. Next.

Eventually, Moses got exiled, and met God, who told him to go back to Egypt and save the Hebrews (or "Hebes" as they're known at Pharaoh's house). Some famous stuff happened, involving boils and flies, then God killed a bunch of people (He loves you!), and Moses and the Hebrews were headed for the Promised Land. Sweet! Right, guys?


Turned out, all Jews do is complain: "What kind of trip is this?" "Are we there yet?" "Moses, we're thirsty!" "Moses, we're hungry!" "My wife's not happy, that's for certain." "In EGYPT, we had a wide variety of foods to choose from!" "Maybe we should go back." "Lord, these people are driving me MAD!" said Moses. Anyway, the only thing that "these people" like more than whining is money. While Moses was busy, they built a big calf out of gold, rubbed their hands together, and twirled their moustaches: "Who needs Moses and his INVISIBLE GOD? We have our own God here! It sparkles! See how it sparkles? It's gold! Gold! GOLD!" Ka-powww!

The end.

And that's what happens, in a very literal way, in The Ten Commandments: THE MOVIE. Christian Slater is Moses. Elliott Gould is God. (Because everyone knows that kids fucking looove Elliott Gould—Justin Timber-who?). The animation fell out of 1995's butthole. All of the above quotations are real. Your children are racists now.