I must go to the wrong places. Finding a small that isn't the size of a softball feels very challenging.

Want to fix the line at Salt and Straw (or Staccato Gelato)? STOP LETTING PEOPLE HAVE MORE THAN ONE OR TWO SAMPLES.

In a sane world, there would be short lines because people would realize that the largest potential consequence of a blind ice cream decision is YOU GET ICE CREAM.

MAYBE NEXT TIME YOU'D TRY A DIFFERENT KIND OF ICE CREAM IF YOU WERE LESS THAN THRILLED WITH THE ICE CREAM YOU BLINDLY SELECTED.

If you try more than one or two things, just know I'm behind you in the line somewhere, praying to sample your imminent death, or the deaths of the entitled, indecisive children you are raising.

"I prefer my ice cream quickly," is what I hope I have communicated.

I don't even know what to say, @lawduck. That sounds like one of those good problems.

I still hang my hat on Ben and Jerry's. The crowds are gone, the servers remain cheery, and the product is quality.

"It's not hot as balls in Portland anymore"

You mean, those two days this summer where the temp was in the 90's? Thank god those days are gone!

Just wait a few months until the Next Portland Food Trend™ moves onto homemade moonpies or something like that. Then you'll be able to get your ice cream quickly and in peace.