You're gonna need a juice cleanse after that.

I stopped reading after "no cheese."

Jesus fuck, long-winded and without any jokes. But now I want a burrito. Luckily I know how to eat without requiring a therapist and team of editors to make it okay.

Open mouth, insert burrito, chew.

No way dude, here's how the pro's do it:
1. Put the tube-o-food in the center of a clean plate with the edges of the tortilla facing up.
2. Open 'er up! Un fold the borrito to expose the goodness within.
3. Apply condiments. (Liberally)
4. Tear a small bit of tortilla away from the edge and use fork to make a little mini taco/borrito.
Repeat step 4, consollidating remaining borrito contents as necessary, soon you will have just one cute lil mini-smalldonkey in the middle of your plate.Eat it! Yum.

I use tortilla chips to scoop salsa onto the burrito. This method doesn't require any utensils, and you get to eat a chip between each bite.

I'm a BRC kinda guy. Sometimes with fish added.

Donovan: meh. I've been eating burritos regularly for 20 years - I consider myself a pro - and I never open them up. I respect your desire to do so. But I also respect the burrito wrapper, and I don't want to undue their work and weaken the constitution of the folds. And applying salsa to each exposed row before biting into it kind of slows the eating process down. And I like that. I like to focus on it bite-by-bite.

Meh. Los tacos son mucho mejores que los burritos!

MEH.

Yeah Donovan, I can see how "pro" you are by how you spell 'borrito.' Enjoy your plate!

Pinche frijolero.