Scalpel!

A surgeon is only as good as his tools, so procure a flexible, non-serated (and most importantly) SHARP slicing knife. After letting the bird cool for 20-30 minutes, transfer your dead gobbler to the cutting board.

Amputate the Leg!

Pull the leg away from the bird and cut the skin between the leg and body. With the flat side of the knife, locate the hip joint. Stick it in the joint, twist, and liberate the leg. Then do the same to separate the thigh from the drumstick.

De-Meat the Leg!

Holding the drumstick at an upright angle, slice off the meat in a downward motion, turning the drumstick as you go.

De-Meat the Thigh!

Hold that squirming thigh still with a fork, and cut slices parallel to the bone.

Who Wants White Meat?

At this point, the turkey may try to escape. Do Not Allow This. Fork the shit out of that bird, and make a deep parallel incision into the breast, as close to the wing as possible. Then make thin, individual slices by slicing downward at the top, ending at your base cut.

Immediately Freeze any Missing Fingers.

Applying a tight tourniquet will keep unnecessary blood from ruining your holiday meal. Be sure to keep amputated fingers frozen on ice, to take with you to the emergency room. And next time, leave the job of turkey carving to Grandpa. He's going to die soon, anyway.

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