Bryan Richardson
I pride myself on being a good entertainer. When friends come to town, I make sure they see the most of Portland, so they can tell all their buddies how cool the city is and what an exciting life I have. Of course most of my entertaining has to do with drinking and eating, so if you want a list of great hikes, turn elsewhere, but here are some digestion-related hotspots that will undoubtedly impress.

Treats for the Eyes

Try the Mission Theater (1624 NW Glisan), a converted 19th-century Swedish mission, and dazzle people with its historic charm and beauty, "not to mention" beer and cheap movies. If you have daring guests, strip bars always make for a slobbery evening, especially the all-male club Three Sisters Tavern (1125 SW Stark), or the T & A paradise Magic Gardens (217 NW 4th). If your friend's in the clergy or wants something more wholesome, take 'em over to the new club Bossanova Ballroom (722 E Burnside) for a free game of pool on an immaculate old school table, or check out their dance lessons, and rock shows.

Delicious Food to Eat On

Whether you're entertaining a gourmet snob, or your Midwestern parents, people love a restaurant with panache. If you've got money to spend, Genoa (2832 SE Belmont, 238-1464) is perfect for a special occasion. A seven-course Italian meal will run you $70 but you'll be full for weeks. Even though it's a chain, people go apeshit for the view at the Chart House (5700 SW Terwilliger, 246-6963), where you overlook the whole city while dining on expensive surf and turf. For a more modest budget, hit tapas row for dinner at Navarre (10 NE 28th, 232-3555), and don't miss out on their fish or greens selections. And finally, for the adventurous diner, clarklewis (1001 SE Water, 235-2294) is the best you can get, with a moody atmosphere, daring menu (squab, or suckling pig, anyone?), and the unique option of the chef's dinner, wherein the kitchen decides what you'll be eating.

Clean Air Establishments

There are plenty of people who don't like smoke--especially Californians--so save yourself the trouble of listening to them bitch, and hit the modish, no smoking 820 Lounge (820 N Russell), where you'll slurp the greatest drinks on earth. For those on the east side, the ultra-cute C-Bar (2880 SE Gladstone) serves beer, wine, and sushi, plus has a cozy enclosed patio, and tabletop PacMan!! Also try the Sapphire Hotel (5008 SE Hawthorne), which is perfect for a date, with its kitsch décor, cheese platter, and long wine list.

Attractions for the Fashionista

Occasionally you'll be hosting a Los Angelan, New Yorker, or anyone who thinks that Portland is just one big house party. "Well," you can scream at them, "it's not." Then get in your Ford Escort and drive that bitch-face straight to the airplane-like Tube (18 NW 3rd), the sleekly designed Aura (1022 W Burnside), the electronic music mecca Holocene (1001 SE Morrison), or spend the evening toggling between well-dressed Pearl district hangouts, like Vault Martini (226 NW 12th) and the Peruvian bar/restaurant Andina (1314 NW Glisan). Finally, if you want to dance, see boobies bouncing, and never wait a minute for a drink, relive the college years at Barracuda (9 NW 2nd), where you can rent your own VIP area for just under 300 smackers.

The Usual Suspects

Of course, sometimes a visitor just wants to check out the places they've been hearing about for years. In that case, eat mac and cheese at the cavernous, all-ages friendly Montage (301 SE Morrison), wait in line for Southern food and mojitos at the Delta (4607 SE Woodstock), or just chill out in the dark comfort of Portland's most notorious hipster haven, Dots (2521 SE Clinton). After all, there's a reason these places are famous.