Being a relatively sober person with a bunch of crazy friends, I often see the results of overt drunkenness firsthand. I began to take notes on various subjects and have compiled a list of mannerisms that are often performed by people who have consumed too much alcohol.

Subject's face begins to stretch, as if struggling to keep eyes open. Neck and goiter of subject begin to bloat and quiver unattractively.

Subject begins to threaten loved ones with shoes, staple guns, other unconventional weapons.

Small racist man appears out of subject's pants, begins to tell impolite "jokes."

Falling violently to the floor, subject begins to bleed from knees, already scabbed over from previous drunk.

Subject insists on making a tortilla with beans and lots of mustard.

Tarot cards are revealed. Subject insists on reading stranger's cards.

Ignoring the concept of time, subject begins calling old friends who live three time zones ahead of them. While trying to form reasonable sentences, subject passes out with head tilted back, mouth open.