Get Your Shit Together!
While it’s certainly important to be proactive in getting one’s shit together, much can be attained by not doing certain things as well. And with this in mind, here’s what you should avoid in 2018 while building the better you.
Stop Wearing Those Underpants.
Your underpants are ridiculous. How long have you had them? Three years? They’ve got to go. Do they have one small hole in them? They’ve got to go. Is the waistband a little loose? They’ve REALLY got to go. Are they white? They’ve got to go. Do they make you look or feel anything less than sexy as hell? THEY. HAVE. GOT. TO. GO.
The same goes for your worn-out socks. They have to go. The same goes for your shitty futon. It has to go. The same goes for your sub-par frying pan and cookware. They have to go.
Are your phone and computer working okay? Keep ’em for as long as possible. Is your car or bike ugly, but functional? Keep ’em for as long as possible. Do you have a pet? Hmm... well, keep it, but don’t get another one.
In short, keep the still-okay, “not the latest version” stuff (like your iPhone 6s and Scrappy the Cat), and get rid of the raggedy things that cause micro-aggressions in your daily life (like old, ugly underpants—because ugh and you look ridiculous in them).
Cool It with Your Opinions, Already.
Hello, fellow white dudes! If you want to make the world a better place in 2018, cool it with your opinions, already. Especially on Twitter and Facebook. And double especially if you’re not being paid to do so. And triple especially if you don’t get lots of favorable reactions to at least 80 percent of what you write—because anything lower means you’re getting a failing grade, and everyone’s too polite to say you’re not very good at offering opinions on the internet. Even if you’re convinced you’re being “the voice of reason” in any given situation, believe me when I say absolutely no one else thinks this. In fact—and I’m being honest with you here—everyone else thinks you should shut up and just listen for a change.
But here’s the best reason why you should cool it with your opinions, already: You want a good job, right? A job that’s better than the one you currently have. Well, as an employer of people, I can guarantee you this: We look at every single one of your posts on social media (especially if you’re a white dude) before we hire you. And even if I agree with most of what you write on the internet, if you write one bad take—that’s the one I’ll remember. Think that’s not fair? Fuck fair. I need the best information I can gather about a person, so that I’m not surprised and then have to fire their dumb ass later.
So make my job harder! By keeping your opinions to yourself.
NOTE: I realize this article is filled with my white dude opinions, which I am not keeping to myself—but I barely (if ever) post on Twitter and Facebook, and as mentioned earlier, I’m being paid for it. You aren’t.
Don’t Automatically Look at Your Phone the Second You Get Into a Line.
It’s both hilarious and sad, but check it out the next time you queue up in a line: Every single person (unless they’re talking to someone else) is doing a squinty-eyed deep dive into their phone. And yeah, I admit it; I occasionally do it too—because frankly, you people can be hard to deal with. But c’mon... we all know it’s not a good look. Endlessly scrolling through your feeds gives off a distinct whiff of desperation, like those people who are vaping in the middle of the day next to a parking garage. I’m not suggesting you should stop and smell the roses, because that’s a dumb waste of time, too. Just stop occasionally, keep the phone in your pocket, and think about something else. Anything, really. Look at the architecture, wonder if the food cart person is having an okay day, or just silently judge everyone else for having their phones out while you’re standing there silently judging them and feeling mildly superior. Mix it up a little, for chrissakes.
Don’t Say Things That Purposefully Annoy Other People (And by “Other People” I Mean ME).
Don’t say “cheers” at the end of your email unless you’re British. You sound like an asshole, and it always comes off as sarcastic. If you’re a parent, don’t refer to children as “kiddos.” WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ABOUT? Saying “kiddos” is the auditory equivalent of dragging a fork across a chalkboard. When ordering food at a restaurant, don’t say, “I’ll do...” as in “I’ll do the hamburger.” You’re going to fuck a hamburger? Is that what you’ll “do?” And finally, when you ignore my advice and do all the things in this article that I clearly warned you not to do, and everything goes sideways for you in 2018, don’t say that I “didn’t tell you not to do any of these things.” BECAUSE I DID. IT IS LITERALLY THE HEADLINE OF THIS ARTICLE.