If only I could enjoy this low-key Easter egg hunt without being sexually harassed.
"If only I could enjoy this low-key Easter egg hunt without being sexually harassed." Monkey Business Images

The cold gray rains abated briefly today, and it was utterly glorious until that awful springtime tradition reared its ugly, misogynist head: That's right, I'm talking about our old friend street harassment, an unpleasant daily occurrence that seems to escalate when it gets nice out. It is LITERALLY the only thing about springtime I don't like. (Runner-up: Allergies.) Just this morning, I had a man grab my arm and expect me to remove my earbuds JUST SO he could comment on my appearance. At lunchtime, when a Merc lady coworker and I had the AUDACITY to walk to Whole Foods, we got hollered at multiple times.

"Spring is here," she said grimly.

Indeed, it is. So, in the interest of education over consternation, here is a helpful quiz we put together about hollering at/touching strangers.

When is it okay to touch and/or holler at a stranger?

(A) They are pretty and you are worried maybe they don't KNOW they're pretty so you definitely are taking it upon yourself to be the first to tell them. You mean it as a favor/compliment/surprise! That lady probably just fell into a pot of red lipstick, she didn't apply it approvingly herself this morning. She needs a confidence boost! YOU CAN BE THE ONE TO PROVIDE IT.

(B) You want to take them out for (drugged) coffee.

(C) You'd like to remind them that even though it is 2016, women still do not enjoy equal access to public spaces!

(D) They are about to be hit by a car.

(E) You just witnessed a murder and are bleeding out of your head and your daughter just got kidnapped but your phone is out of battery and you REALLY need to call 911.

Okay, pencils down! If you chose (D) and (E), you're absolutely right. Everyone else, get it together.