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GOOD AFTERNOON, PORTLAND! If you're thinking, "Mmmmmm... the Mercury looks especially delicious today," well, there's a reason for that. We've got a brand new website, and I'd love to give you a guided tour if you're interested... and you're very much deliciously interested. Check it out, and then check out this NEWS!

IN LOCAL NEWS:

• In yet another embarrassing gaffe from Mayor Wheeler, his claims that hundreds of homeless people recently swept from Old Town are getting off the streets and the services they need are... not so true? According to the Oregonian, since the sweeps, only about 15 houseless people per week have checked into shelters and then for only a short amount of time. Then there's the claim that one of these same houseless people, Mama Kat, had been "staying comfortably at the new safe rest village for the past 10 days and nights." Again, NOT TRUE. She was there for three nights, before leaving because she couldn't maneuver her wheelchair at the site because it's not ADA accessible. Stay tuned for Wheeler's "strike three."

• To the surprise of fucking NO ONE, the Portland Business Alliance tried to get city election officials to reject the charter reform ballot measure that would let voters decide whether Portland should change its form of government. UNFORTUNATELY FOR THEM (and other local power brokers who want to control city hall), Portland City Auditor Mary Hull Caballero shot down their request, because "city code doesn't include [reviews] of Charter Commission measures as it does for initiative-petition measures." In short, "NOT MY JOB, BAY-BEE!"

 • Sixteen Starbucks locations across the nation—including two right here in Portland—are permanently closing due to what management is calling "security issues" following complaints from employees. But apparently these same employees weren't consulted before the bosses took the nuclear option of shutting the stores down entirely.

• Do you love nachos with all your heart? YES, YOU DO!! That’s why you’re gonna flip ass-over-teakettle for the Mercury’s NACHO WEEK: $6 plates of creative nachos from some of the most skillful snack makers around town—and it's running NOW through this Sunday, July 17! DO NOT MISS THIS DELICIOUSNESS!

• If you like FREE things, then you will definitely like the Mercury's FREE TICKETS TUESDAY! This week we're giving away sweet tix to three cool concerts, including Red Fang, Blind Pilot, and Old Crow Medicine Show! Enter to win, because you're feeling lucky!

IN NATIONAL/WORLD NEWS:

• In yet another staggering reveal from the January 6 congressional panel, today's hearing focused on Trump's tweet that encouraged a "wild" gathering at the nation's capitol, a "screaming" and "unhinged" meeting on December 18 in which Trump cronies plotted ways to overthrow the election (most likely sending the aforementioned tweet), plus testimony from two January 6 attackers who agreed it was "a planned revolution." OH! And apparently Trump has been attempting some witness tampering with at least one person who has agreed to appear before the panel. You know... THE YOUZH.

• Because he attempted to back out of the $44 billion deal, Twitter is now officially suing billionaire shit-head Elon Musk in order to make him go through with the purchase. (In a perfect world, these two snakes would eat each other's asses until they both disappeared.)

• More trouble for the embarrassing Uvalde, Texas, police department: New surveillance video of the mass shooting at Robb Elementary show the cops milling about in the school's hallway before running for their lives at the first sound of gunfire.

• NASA has released a stunning array of photos taken by the James Webb space telescope, and they are BANGING. They are a gorgeous reminder of the vastness of our universe and will make you wonder why anyone has ever given a shit about Amazon's Prime Day deals.

• Move over, Hubble... now there's something meatier:

• You hate to see it (though maybe secretly love to see it?): "Selfie-snapping U.S. tourist falls into Mt. Vesuvius' crater after dropping phone."

• And finally... sure, those photos of the deepest part of the universe are pretty great... but do they top THIS??