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GOOD AFTERNOON, PORTLAND! Look, I hope you're doing your stomach stretching exercises, because the Mercury's BURGER WEEK starts this coming Monday! And while you're at it, let's do some brain stretching with some of this here NEWS.


• Oregon health experts have reported 95 Monkeypox cases in the state, but they were quick to note that, while the malady is currently primarily punishing gay and bisexual men, “anyone who has skin is susceptible to this virus.” Got skin? Then learn how to lower your risk with this report from our Isabella Garcia.

• Big news for those who closely followed all the cry-baby antics surrounding the Thompson Elk this past spring: After the dark-money group People for Portland screamed and yelled for the full-sized Elk fountain to be replaced in its mammoth entirety, the Portland Bureau of Transportation has decided they will also be putting in a bike lane on that block. Cyclists will travel on the north side of the elk, and a single lane of cars and busses will squeeeeeze by the monstrous fountain on the south. (My immediate response: "This is fucking delicious.")

• Serial fuck-up, Clackamas County Clerk Sherry Hall, made a half-ass attempt at defending her abysmal record of running the area's election office in front of the county' Board of Commissioners on Wednesday, blaming human failure for the MANY easily preventable mistakes and then shrugging it off by saying, "things happen." (I think that's what's known as the "bumper sticker defense.")

• Congrats to Multnomah County voters who this November will have the opportunity to use their ballots to expand voting rights, implement ranked choice voting, increase jail inspections, and even more, ya lucky ducks. Allow our Isabella Garcia to break down all the deets.


• In national crybaby news, looks like the bawling Trump and Fox News toddlers will have to shut off the waterworks, because Attorney General Merrick Garland has asked a federal judge to unseal the warrant used to search Trump's Mar-a-Lago, so everyone can see EXACTLY what type of criminality the FBI was looking for—and went even further to say that he personally signed off on the decision. In other news, Republicans are frantically looking for a new lie to spread.

•  Perhaps... maybe.. probably related? "Armed man who was at Capitol on Jan. 6 is fatally shot after firing into an FBI field office in Cincinnati."

• The CDC has announced it's relaxing some of its key COVID-19 recommendations, including the necessity of quarantining oneself after coming in contact with an exposed person, as well as their advice to stay at least six feet away from others. They say they came to this decision after studies showed that an estimated 95 percent of Americans over the age of 16 have acquired some level of immunity—either from vaccination or catching it themselves.

• Always good to hear: A Virginia ex-cop has been sentenced to seven years in the slammer for his treasonous participation in the January 6 domestic terrorist attack on the nation's capitol. Bye, boi!

• And finally, MY HEART WILL GO ON.