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GOOD AFTERNOON, PORTLAND! First of all... SQUEEEEEE! The most delicious week of the year, the Mercury's BURGER WEEK has finally arrived and runs through Sunday, August 21! Try to stick all 48 (!) delicious, creative, $8 burgers in your mouth... for one week only! Actually, that sounds dangerous. Eat a few though! And while you're at it, eat a few NEWS burgers as well!


• Welp, the Portland Business Alliance's latest desperate attempt to hold on to power has failed for now, as a judge ruled that the Charter Reform Commission's plan to overhaul city government can move on to the November ballot. The PBA wanted to break the various sections of the plan into separate votes, claiming you're too stupid to understand them (but actually they just want to retain power over a small council), and the judge said, "Nuh-uh." Our Isabella Garcia explains it in a far more intelligent, and level-headed manner.

• Whoa, this is some juicy "public defense" drama: After the Public Defense Services Commission refused to get rid of their boss, executive director Stephen Singer, Oregon's chief justice Martha Walters informed the nine-member group they were all FIRED, but if they want to reapply they should let her know by tomorrow noon. Walters has been infuriated by the alleged systemic inability for the public defense commission to supply defenders for (as of last week) nearly 1,000 Oregonians (!!) accused of crimes or currently sitting in jail.

• The Oregonian dug down into the numbers to discover what type of state resident is most likely to be carrying a concealed handgun, and... SURPRISE! It's insecure white dudes, ages 66-75! Or just the type of person who should definitely NOT have a gun. (I think the Venn diagram for this would also overlap those "who probably believe every word that Trump and Republicans say.")

• Trash lovers... let's goooo! It's the newest TRASH REPORT from Elinor Jones. This week's gossip fest includes: Trump's nuclear stash, Tommy Lee's hog, and Ben & Jen's Dunkin' romance! (Be still my heart!)


• Big trouble for human melting candle Rudy Giuliani: Trump's embarrassing former lawyer has been informed he is the target of a Georgia investigation into whether or not he tried to interfere with the 2020 election. (Narrator's voice: "Which he most certainly did.") Rudy's expected to testify before a grand jury—something he's desperately tried to avoid, but can no longer do so, hee-hee-heeee.

• In related "hee-hee-heeee" news: Sen. Lindsay Graham is also being forced to testify for his role in any election interference scheme, hee-hee-heeee.

• The Justice Department has asked a judge to keep the affidavit connected to the Mar-a-Lago search warrant sealed, in order to protect the names of witnesses who would surely be threatened (just like some of the FBI agents) by Trump's domestic terrorist militia.

• Meanwhile, the Trump Organization's former Chief Financial Officer, Allen Weisselberg, is expected to plead GUILTY to helping top members of the Trump business avoid paying taxes. Will he roll over on Trump to shorten his prison sentence? We shall see, hee-hee-heeee.

• Scary news for every 20-something male living alone or in a group house with other 20-something males: "More than 13,000 pounds of frozen pizza, perhaps tainted with metal, recalled."

• And finally... "9:77" is the new "4:20."