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GOOD AFTERNOON, PORTLAND! Here's your reminder that ELECTION DAY is a week from tomorrow, and if you're currently panicking because you haven't filled out your ballot and don't know how, allow the Mercury endorsements and our handy-dandy CHEAT SHEET to ride to the rescue! Now let's panic about some NEWS.


• The mayor's office celebrated Halloween morning with a "trick" and a "treat": He ordered a homeless sweep of Laurelhurst Park in the pouring rain, thereby dispersing the drenched residents into other neighborhoods near you. That was the trick... but there's a treat too! The city moved these folks to make room for... [checks notes]... pickleball courts? Our Alex Zielinski has more!

• As you may have heard earlier this year, Portland Public Schools committed themselves to a climate policy that prohibits the use of fossil fuels... but what's this? Benson High is being built with a fossil fuel-powered heating system. Ummm... THAT AIN'T RIGHT! Our Isabella Garcia dives into the reasoning and controversy!

• Today in "dishing it out, but not being able to take it": The Rene Gonzalez campaign has sent a "cease and desist" order to the campaign of his far more accomplished competitor for city council, Jo Ann Hardesty. Gonzalez has accused Hardesty of slandering him over remarks about "breaking the law" in regards to the sweetheart deal he received from puppet master Jordan Schnitzer, who gave him prime downtown office space for only $250 per month. However, a judge has since revoked the fine, thanks to testimony from Schnitzer's real estate pals who said that downtown rent is actually only worth $250 per month! (Maybe Gonzalez should stop bringing this fact up, or else his rich real estate benefactors won't be able to afford him anymore!)

• In case you missed it, our beloved Portland Thorns brought home their THIRD national championship over the weekend! WOOOO-HOOOOO! And if you want to share your pride with them, the team is holding a celebratory rally tomorrow night at 6 pm at Providence Park—and it's FREE. Again, for those in the back... WOOOO-HOOOOO!

• Let's go, trash pandas! 🦝 It's time to dig through the best celebrity and local garbage with THE TRASH REPORT! This week: Musk ruins Twitter, Chandler fucks with Keanu, and Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen's interchangeable faces. 😮 


• Federal prosecutors have filed charges against the domestic terrorist who broke into the home of House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and viciously attacked her 82-year-old husband with a hammer. Investigators say the asshole's plan was to kidnap the House Speaker and break her kneecaps as "a lesson" to the Democrats. (How long are Republicans going to keep claiming they're the party of "morality"?)

• And of course, billionaire crybaby Elon Musk—on his very first weekend of owning Twitter—tweeted out (and later deleted) a bullshit conspiracy theory about the Pelosi attack that was dreamed up by nutbag Republicans. Wow. Things are going so great so far!

• Things are not looking good for the college Affirmative Action program, which Trump's Supreme Court are getting ready to rule upon after hearing arguments from Harvard and University of North Carolina. The racist conservative majority appeared skeptical of the reasoning and primed to declare the program unlawful.

• Meanwhile, Kanye West has been suspended from Instagram yet AGAIN for antisemitic remarks, and has the fucking gall to refer to himself as a "digital prisoner." 🙄

• Nope, nope, NOPE! A thousand times NOPE!

• And finally.... AHHHHH! THE (squirrel) MURDERER IS INSIDE THE HOUSE!!