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GOOD AFTERNOON, PORTLAND! Don't panic... but, you know, PANIC! Because the Mercury's HOLIDAY DRINK WEEK is happening RIGHT NOW and it ends this Sunday, December 4! Get all sorts of creative, holiday-themed fancy cocktails concocted by your fave Portland bartenders... and get this: They're only $7 each! So once again, don't... PANIC! (Now let's read some non-panicky NEWS.)


• More half-assing it from Merritt Paulson: After months of pressure, the Timbers/Thorns owner announced this morning that he's selling the Portland Thorns following management's part in the wide-ranging abuse scandal that rocked the National Women’s Soccer League. HOWEVER! He's refusing to sell the Timbers, which have their own share of management-involved scandals. It's like, "Hey Merritt Paulson! You must give me a sandwich!" And he's like, "Of course... you're right. Here's some mayonnaise." And you're like, "No, an ENTIRE sandwich!" And he's like, "Sorry, absolutely. Here's half of a Bread & Butter pickle chip." (Anyway, check out the great story from Abe Asher!)

• Journalism 101 reminder: SNITCHES GET STITCHES.

• This Friday, a federal judge is expected to hear arguments over whether the voter-approved Measure 114—one of the toughest gun restriction laws in the nation—is constitutional. The case was, of course, brought about by the most trustworthy people in Oregon: "the Oregon Firearms Federation, a local sheriff and a gun store owner." The suit is also presumably supported by other cowards who crawl through their lives in fear while turning a blind eye to mass shootings. 

• ICYMI, the City Council "Wealthy Business Booster Club" (Wheeler, Mapps, Ryan) voted enthusiastically to approve $27 million of taxpayer money to fund their very unpopular (and MEAN) "criminalizing the homeless" plan, which will most likely put more folks on the streets. Whining that the "status quo isn't working anymore," the mayor now seems satisfied with a "status quo" in which big businesses who cry and scream will get their way, instead of the crying and screaming neighborhood associations who don't want homeless anywhere near them, and now will no longer get their way. Get some popcorn, folks! As soon as the NIMBYs figure out what's about to happen, the fireworks will start.

• Don't count out the Portland art community post-pandemic! Both Blackfish Gallery and Chefas Projects are expanding, and exhibiting a resilience that's inspiring. Martha Daghlian has the story... and hey... support the local arts community!


• Today in NOT A GOOD LOOK: The Senate has voted to force railway workers to accept a deal that clearly favors their bosses in an attempt to stop a looming strike that may have slowed down shipping over the holidays. Biden, in another "not good look" is expected to sign the bill. 

• This is how the Mercury will send you our articles in the future.

• An appeals court has stuck their thumb in the eye of Trump (and a hand-picked Trump judge), by rejecting his pleas for a "special master" to review the partially classified documents he stole from the US government and squirreled away at Mar-a-Lago. This means the Justice Department can now go merrily about their business to eventually indict him for treason (I hope, I hope, I hope). Let me hope.

• After refusing to do their job, an Arizona judge has ordered Republicans in that state to stop all their lying and fucking around and certify the midterm election results in tiny Cochise County, where maybe they thought they could get away with that bullshit?

• Biden's very necessary student loan relief program has been placed on the back burner until at least February when the Trump-majority Supreme Court will figure out some way to torpedo it.

• Wait... does this go in the bike lane?

• Four-time champions Germany has been eliminated from the World Cup, and it was Japan's 2-1 victory over Spain that drove a dagger through their heart. 

• And finally... find a friend like this one who will protect you in a jiu-jitsu match.