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GOOD AFTERNOON, PORTLAND! Is, like, everyone asking you what you'd like for a holiday gift this year, but you're currently stumped? Welllllll, may I suggest strongly hinting that you'd like tickets to see the 2023 edition of the HUMP! film festival or the triumphant return of the Undisputable Geniuses of Comedy—featuring the best of the best of Portland's talented stand-up scene all on one stage! And remember, if they DON'T get you want you want, they most likely despise you. So good luck! And good luck with this NEWS as well.


• According to email records, a California-based nonprofit named Urban Alchemy has played a central role in shaping Mayor Wheelers' scheme to open outdoor, city-run homeless encampments—even though they have zero experience in Oregon, and aren't exactly popular in other cities. Our Alex Zielinski has the exasperating details.

• The NWSL has released its findings relating to their investigation of the harassment scandals that have plagued the Portland Thorns, corroborating earlier details that Thorns management did a shit job of informing other NWSL teams about the sexual misconduct and harassment allegations leveled against former coach Paul Riley. Other authority figures across the league who are also accused of similar misdeeds were pointed out in the report as well.

• TriMet has agree to institute long-term bans (between six months and a lifetime) against riders who commit misdemeanors on board their trains and busses, which include fourth-degree assault, bias crimes, sexual harassment, and carrying or planting "hoax devices."

• The Oregon judge who hit the brakes on Measure 114 (the voter-approved gun law) has revisited the case, aaaaaand... hit the brakes again, this time refusing to allow it to go into effect until the state has a working permitting process in place. How come? Because he believes the measure will cause "irreparable harm to the constitutional right to bear arms under Article 1 Section 27 if I do not.” Yes, god forbid the next mass shooter has to wait a few days to attack a public school.


• A tornado sweeping through New Orleans has killed one person, injured several others, and has caused major damage. This tornado was one of 40 (!!) that pummeled Southern states from Texas to Mississippi.

• As if COVID, the flu, and RSV isn't enough: "U.S. hospitals report rise in severe strep A infections among kids, after 15 deaths in UK."

• In World Cup news (and SPOILER ALERT if you haven't watched the game): France has defeated and eliminated Morocco 2-0, which means they will take on powerhouse Argentina in the World Cup grand finale on Sunday, SUNDAY, SUNNNNNNDAAAAAAY!

• In other World Cup news (of the more tragic variety): Beloved and respected soccer journalist Grant Wahl died of a ruptured aortic aneurysm at the World Cup, according to his wife who received that determination from the New York City medical examiner.

• And finally... place your Oscar bets for next year... because here comes COCAINE BEAR.