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Good Afternoon, Portland: I hope you're having a blessed one out there. I've been spending my afternoon trying to get various pregnant friends to name their children after the whales that recently beached on the Oregon coast. AND THEY WILL, IF THEY FOLLOW THEIR CONSCIENCE, BECAUSE IT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO. 

The Portland Thorns fired their head athletic trainer and an assistant coach today—after a National Women’s Soccer League investigation found that both staff members engaged in inappropriate conduct last year. For the MercuryAbe Asher reports.

• Not surprised at this walkout workaround, but at least this requires more effort than just not going to work: 

• As we mentioned this morning, four whales have beached, along the Oregon coast, in the past two weeks. Staff at Seaside Aquarium noted that they don't think the four whale deaths are connected, and estimated the most recent beached whale had been dead for a month. "When we experience weather patterns like we have in the past few weeks, coupled with strong westerly winds, dead marine mammals that have been floating offshore get pushed onto the beach," the aquarium wrote.

• Not at all surprised that thousands of Portlanders want to know more about local sewage, considering that this Mercury story from 2002—titled "Where Does My Poop Go?" still regularly charts in our view counts.

CNN broke the news this morning that former VP Mike Pence was keeping a dozen documents marked as classified at his new home in Carmel, Indiana. The documents were discovered by his lawyer, who immediately alerted the National Archives. Pence had repeatedly said he did not have any classified documents, and —through a lawyer—he claimed he was unaware of the ones that were found. Also in classy doc news: A 13-hour FBI search of President Biden's house in Delaware on Friday, which Biden granted access to, uncovered six "additional items," thought to be classified. It seems like Washington, DC could stand a Classy Doc Amnesty Day—or they should just hire better movers

• Every time we reach a milestone like this it's really good—AND really embarrassing to be reaching such a moment in the grand year of 2023.

• Today in practical gun legislation, if you can't beat the NRA, maybe make voters pony up cash for the victims of the school mass shootings. A Texas state senator—whose district includes the city of Uvalde and the site of last year's Robb Elementary School mass shooting—has filed two bills aimed at funding compensation funds for Texan families and victims of school violence. The fund would collect taxes on ammunition (five cents per round) and firearms ($50 per). He also introduced a resolution repealing protections from lawsuits for gun manufacturers and one that would better allow families to sue the state.

• The community really coming together around Uncle Johnny's post-vax inability to stop being fucking fabulous. Thanks, Pfizer.