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GOOD AFTERNOON, PORTLAND! Shall we check the weather? Let's check the weather! And the weather says, "I'll be showering much of the weekend, but the good news is that I'll also be warmer with my highs hitting 54 degrees!" Now allow me to shower you... with some NEWS.


• Multnomah County Chair Jessica Vega Pederson announced the latest plan to combat homelessness today, and it's a tall order: The county wants to eliminate unsheltered homelessness in Portland’s central city over the next four months by incentivizing landlords to rent vacant apartments to unhoused residents—although they don't have any landlords onboard yet. Unlike the city's plan, however, the county won't throw them in jail if they refuse to go. Our Isabella Garcia has all the details.

• WOW! Wealthy crybaby Portlanders are being especially vocal this week! First there was a feature story published by a local "alternative weekly" which painted a pearl-clutching, sympathetic portrait of Portland's most downtrodden citizens: rich people who skedaddled out of town because of "crime and homelessness" (AKA their taxes were too high, and couldn't afford a third garage for their Lamborghini). Meanwhile our local daily newspaper once again happily repeated the talking points of the Portland Business Alliance, who have been exaggerating the city's problems for years in order to scare the public into voting for their candidates—and today produced yet another poll to prove that.. shock! Their lies have been working! (C'mon, PBA! You already own city council and the majority of media in town... you don't have to rub it in.)

• A Portland protester who was yanked off the street and thrown into a van by federal officers in 2020 has lost his case in federal appeals court, because... *checks notes*... Congress hasn't made a law about the feds kidnapping citizens off the street?

• Oregon House Majority Leader Julie Fahey is set to piss off a lot of legislators this session, after she introduced a bill that would ban nepotism among lawmakers. While there are laws against hiring friends and family for most state public officials, the legislature has been exempt... but possibly not for long! (BUT WAIT! If they don't hire Republican Sen. Brian Boquist's nephew Seth to be a legislative assistant, he may be forced to work at a... gasp!... PLAID PANTRY!)


• And now, the news you can't get enough of... WHAT IS UP WITH THAT CHINESE SPY/WEATHER BALLOON? According to the Pentagon, we can expect the balloon to keep on truckin' across the USA for a few more days and, despite pleas from gun-happy MAGA Republicans, it would cause too much collateral damage to shoot it down. Meanwhile, Secretary of State Antony Blinken cancelled his trip to Beijing... because he's also just really pissed off by this balloon! And even Democrats like Montana Senator Jon Tester is calling for an investigation into Joe Biden's response to the balloon, because... because... BALLOOOOOOON!! (Now they've even got me angry at that fucking balloon!)

• Hey, AOC! Go off on the balloon next!

• Yet another Memphis cop (number six in a continuing series) has been fired in the beating death of Tyre Nichols after the department concluded the officer violated several bureau rules in the arrest of Nichols, including improper use of a taser.

• A jury has exonerated "World's Best Boss" Elon Musk, deciding that he didn’t deceive investors with his 2018 tweets about taking Tesla private, a botched plan that could've potentially cost shareholders millions of dollars. Musk's lawyer was able to convince the jury that just because a stupid person writes a stupid tweet, that doesn't necessarily make it "fraud." Indeed, it should just be a reminder that the stupid person writing the stupid tweet is stupid.

• Good news! The predicted terrible winter COVID/flu wave is quickly subsiding, thanks in part to hitting a "wall of immunity" built by all those who got their shots and boosters and were previously infected. Now we just have to watch out for "zombie fungus."

• And finally... going into the weekend with this energy.