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GOOD AFTERNOON, PORTLAND! Now don't panic, but... PANIC!!! Valentine's Day is only FOUR DAYS away! Better submit your FREE Mercury Reader Valentine quick, or otherwise you might as well just pack your bags and move back in with your mom. (It might not turn out that bad... but it might?) And now here might be the NEWS.


• I'm just going to say this and walk away: The seemingly never-ending OLCC bourbon scandal (now the state's Department of Justice is launching a criminal investigation?) is Oregon's version of the Chinese spy balloon freakout.

• You hear me preaching this a lot, but it's nice to hear it put by someone else in such clear terms. Read the entire thread, and remind your local rich person and media outlets that they're shooting themselves in the ass by constantly shit-talking Portland:

• The WW reports that two Portland neighborhoods will soon be informed that their area has been chosen as sites for two of Mayor Wheeler's mass homeless encampments. Prepare for their screams of "WHY AREN'T YOU DOING SOMETHING ABOUT HOMELESSNESS?" to be quickly replaced by "NOT IN MY DAMN BACKYARD, YOU AIN'T!! MAW, GIT MAH SQUIRREL RIFLE!"

The trailer for Air—the story of Nike wooing basketballer Michael Jordan to endorse their super-overpriced, and frankly kind of uncomfortable, shoes—has been released, which stars Ben Affleck as Nike's Phil Knight. (No word yet on whether they'll show the part where I tried to use Nike's stupid app to get some Jordan's at the very moment they were released, and was immediately told "Sorry, we've already sold your shoes to a bunch of bots! Mad?")

• Is this, like, a sarcastic question?

• Looking for a cute rom-com to watch this weekend that probably won't make you vomit? Check out Chase Hutchinson's review of Somebody I Used to Know, starring Alison Brie and Jay Ellis! Also it was filmed in OREGON, if that's something one might consider interesting!

• If ramen, Korean corn dogs, and cheeseburger ragoons is something that makes your mouth perk up and say "Yes, please!", then please don't miss this week's edition of EverOut's FOOD NEWS!


• Uhhhhh... check out this headline: "US jet shoots down unknown object flying off Alaska coast." Apparently it was shot down under orders from President Joe "Shoot 'em down" Biden, who just last week ordered a "shoot 'em down" of that Chinese spy balloon. However, no one is saying where it came from, or even what it was at this point—though it's reportedly... "the size of a small car"?? What, did Elon Musk launch a Tesla? (That will be the last joke I make before World War III starts in the morning.)


• As DJ Khalid is fond of saying, "And another one!" Yet another classified document has been found by the FBI in the home of former Veep Mike Pence. The feds reportedly searched Pence's residence for five hours, yet said nothing about that box of magazines he has stuffed inside the tool cabinet in his garage, that also contains a rubber gimp outfit and an array of ball gags.

• Not to be outdone, former President Trump "found" even more classified documents as well as "a laptop" at Mar-a-Lago that was reportedly turned over to the feds in the past couple months. (I do want to know what's on that laptop... and at the same time, really, really don't.)

• And the hits just keep on comin': "George Santos says Kyrsten Sinema told him to 'hang in there.' Her office says that’s a 'lie.'"

• And finally... I will not "hear you out."