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Good morning, Portland! Let's jump right in today.

In local news:

• Congrats to comedian Shain Brenden, who was dubbed Portland’s Funniest Person 2022 this weekend. Brenden won over the judges with long form bits about his tough ten-year-old daughter and his favorite NBA rookies. Check out the full rundown by Suzette Smith.

• During this weekend’s Sunday Parkways—a city event during which roads are closed to cars to encourage bicycle traffic—a driver brandished a gun and berated event volunteers for blocking the road to his house from car traffic. The man, who was filmed during the road rage incident, eventually drove through the event partially escorted by people on bikes. “All you bicyclists take over everything,” the driver said. “I just want to go home! You’re wasting my time and fuel. I pay rent. I pay taxes! I’m so tired of this shit. You guys are a bunch of fucks. Bunch of granola-eatin’ fucks!”

• The latest OHSU COVID-19 forecast predicts another month of declining cases before a new wave this fall. However, OHSU researcher Peter Graven said the next wave will likely be fueled by waning immunity and the model does not account for the possibility of omicron-specific vaccine boosters. The model also doesn’t account for new variants, which could evade boosters. 

• Investigators ruled the fire that burned through the Roseway Theater earlier this month an accident Monday, determining that the fire likely originated from an electrical issue. Aerial photos of the building show that the entire roof was burned through, and the whole building may have to be rebuilt entirely. 

In national news:

• Pfizer and BioNTech asked the US Food and Drug Administration to approve an updated version of their COVID-19 vaccine Monday. The vaccine is intended to specifically target the omicron subvarients that represent nearly all of the current COVID cases in the US. If approved, the vaccine could become available this fall to help prevent possible fall and winter surges.

New space pics just dropped, thanks to the James Webb Space Telescope. 

• A severe drought has caused the river in Texas’ Dinosaur Valley State Park to dry up, revealing—get this—dinosaur tracks! The tracks are an estimated 113 million years old and belong to an Acrocanthosaurus, a 15-foot-tall dino that weighed about seven tons. Under normal weather conditions, dinosaur tracks in the river can be difficult to see because they are filled with sediment.

• Today I learned that George W. Bush, the former president who decided to invade Iraq, created a Masterclass on “making tough calls.” One of the class topics is “Accountability Leads to Results” followed immediately by “Crisis Management.” In the wise words of Maddy from Euphoria: Bitch, you better be joking.