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GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! Yeah, it's gonna be another cloudy January day with scattered showers—but one perfect method of cheering up is to snag tickets to the Mercury's upcoming UNDISPUTABLE GENIUSES OF COMEDY show—featuring the cream of the crop of Portland stand-ups. Trust me, this show will be freaking hilarious, and you absolutely need a laugh, right? Speaking of laughs, here's some NEWS. 😬


• The person arrested for setting fire to the former Portland Korean Church reportedly confessed to the crime after turning herself in at the Multnomah County Detention Center, saying that voices in her head told her she would be "mutilated" if she didn't start the blaze.

• Expect a LOT more visitors from Idaho: Despite multiple lawsuits from Planned Parenthood and abortion providers, the Idaho Supreme Court has ruled to uphold the state's horribly draconian near-total abortion ban, by a vote of 3-2. The only exceptions for an abortion will be in the case of rape, incest, or if the patient's life is threatened. Meanwhile the supreme court in South Carolina shot down their state's abortion ban, saying it violated the patient's right to privacy.

• Sad food news: The popular NOLA Doughnuts—which serves beignets and other croissant-style delights—has closed all three of their Portland locations.

• Yeah it's January—but you can beat the blues by getting out this weekend and doing lots of fun stuff! Allow us to take you on a guided tour of all the excellent events you can attend—including the Bowie Birthday Bash, Dark Lagoon Goth Tiki Night, dancing with DJ Action Slacks, and lots more in "The Best Bang for Your Buck Events in Portland This Weekend."


•  It's the two year anniversary of the January 6 domestic attack on the nation's capitol, and it appears like right-wing extremists may have gotten their way again as reports indicate that Republican Kevin McCarthy may have struck a deal with the nutjob faction of the party. After losing 11 ballots (!!), the House will be voting again in just a bit to see if they can finally get McCarthy the job no one in their right mind would ever want. Good luck? HAHAHAHAAAAA!

• Hilarious headline: "Gaetz says he ‘will resign’ if Democrats help elect a moderate Republican for Speaker." Don't you threaten us with a good time!

• Speaking of January 6, the prosecutions just keep on coming for the domestic terrorists who tried to take over the capitol, as more than 900 arrests have already been made with more expected in the future.

• GOOD NEWS: The Buffalo Bills' Damar Hamlin is reportedly on the mend after suffering a cardiac arrest on the field Monday night, and was talking to doctors, family, and his team after his breathing tube was removed. However, doctors say it's still too soon to say whether or not he'll fully recover. But still? GOOD NEWS!

• Vladimir Putin's Orthodox Christmas "cease fire" is being met with disbelief by Ukraine and her allies who are calling the move just more of the Russian president's bullshit.

• And finally... honestly, it's like this at the Mercury, too.