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GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! Tooty-toot-toot! 🎺 This is your very LAST CALL to submit your FREE Mercury Reader Valentine! It's a great way to tell your shmoopy-woopy (and the world) that you love them—so send it in before Valentine's Day tomorrow, okay? And now... let's shmoopy-woop some NEWS.


• The weather is kicking off this week with a bang, as rain, possible thunderstorms, and hail will move into the area today... and what's this? Later tonight and into tomorrow, up to three inches of SNOW are possible in areas as low as 500 feet! SIMMER DOWN, WEATHER!

• The Oregonian currently has a whopping six stories covering every conceivable angle on the recent OLCC booze scandal, which (prepare to grasp your pearls) temporarily deprived rich people in the West Hills and Eastmoreland from purchasing bottles of their fave status symbol liquor, Pappy Van Winkle. (Granted, the OLCC pulled a dick move, but personally I'd rather read stories about the thousands of ways wealthy folks screw over Portland's poor than this type of "rich on rich" crime. Maybe that's just me! 🤷‍♂️)

• There's trouble in Blazerland, as the Thursday deadline trade of Gary Payton II to the Golden State Warriors nearly hopped off the rails after a medical report revealed he has an abdominal injury that could keep him off the court for months. The Warriors have called for an investigation.

• The Oregon Legislature is busily drafting all sorts of weighty laws, as well as those sure to pique the interest of the state's animal lovers, such as designating "Oregon's state pet." Currently under consideration are “rescued shelter dogs and cats"—which sounds a bit general for my taste, but I doubt they'd go for just "rescue ferrets."

• Today in "Oh dear god, YES!!!"


Pew! Pew! Pew! A US fighter jet shot down yet another "unidentified" object (AKA maybe a Chinese spy balloon, but maybe not, they're not saying) over Lake Huron yesterday, making it the fourth UFO (AKA maybe a Chinese spy balloon, but maybe not, they're not saying) takedown in eight days.


• The big story in SPORTS: Pop goddess Rihanna performed a gangbuster selection of a dozen of her biggest hits along with an army of fantastic dancers at the Super Bowl halftime show yesterday, while also announcing she is pregnant! (Apparently a bunch of commercials were shown and... *checks notes*... a sports game was also played.)

• This doesn't sound good: The US is advising American citizens visiting or living in Russia to high-tail it out of there asap, due to “the potential for harassment and the singling out of U.S. citizens for detention by Russian government security officials.”

• Troubling news for Trump: A Georgia judge has given the okay to publicly release three sections of a damning grand jury report on the former President's election meddling in that state. Grab yer popcorn, the report, which will reportedly include witnesses cronies who lied under oath, is scheduled to drop this Thursday.

• RIP Dave Jolicoeur (AKA Trugoy the Dove), of the classic hip-hop group De La Soul, who died from heart failure at the age of 54.

• And finally... you've just been called into an early Monday morning meeting.