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GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! If you were a fan of our "Say Nice Things About Portland" guide (or just Portland in general), then you're gonna want one or both of the Mercury's new "SAY NICE THINGS ABOUT PORTLAND" T-shirts! They're a great answer to the conservative politicians, wealthy people, and special interest groups who talk shit about our city, AND they are sexy, dare I say! Go snap 'em up! And while you're at it, snap up this NEWS.


• After rightly kicking police officers off their campuses, Portland Public Schools is bowing under pressure to resume their relationship with the cops following a spate of shootings. However, instead of bringing them back inside—where they've hassled students of color rather than protect the kids at large—PPS wants them off campus but close by in case of emergencies. Our Abe Asher has a great, informative article about all this, so read it already!

• "Hello 9-1-1? I'd like to report a murder... of Wes Anderson."

• Rich, downtown property owners apparently have a new method of punishing the homeless: suing the pants off anyone trying to help them. Portland lawyer John DiLorenzo—known for representing these shadowy business interests—has sent a warning to County Chair Jessica Vega Pederson, saying the county must audit the beleaguered Behavioral Health Resource Center, which provides shelter and services to houseless folk. If they refuse, DiLorenzo's dark money clients could sue the county, which could lead to the center's shut-down, and even more people on the street. SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN.

• A complaint has been lodged against former Secretary of State Shemia Fagan by former Republican Rep. Julie Parrish asking authorities to look into accusations that Fagan spent thousands in state money on personal vacations with her family. The current acting SoS has said that her office warned Fagan on multiple occasions that her alleged actions were potentially violating the law, but her pleas were ignored.

• Well, this is fucking great: A framework of a deal between state Democrats and lazy, runaway Republicans in the legislature has been reportedly been hammered out, and it allegedly includes "major concessions" to the GOP which include significantly watering down life-saving legislation on abortion protections and gun restrictions. See? Extortion works! 


• At his arraignment yesterday to answer to 37 (!) charges of federal crimes, former Prez Donald Trump hilariously pleaded "not guilty" to every one. While he attempted to use his court appearance as one of his usual lie-filled campaign events, many Republicans are in private agreement that Trump is up shit creek without the proverbial paddle.

• The deeply gross, homophobic, misogynist, etc, Southern Baptist Convention has voted to refuse to allow Saddleback Church—who had the audacity to ordain women pastors—back into their organization. The good news? This move will only push people further away from this fake brand of Christianity, which frankly I am 100 percent here for. 

• Union workers are saying that their Starbucks bosses have been telling them to remove Pride decorations in their stores, a practice that's been going on for years. A spokesperson for Starbucks denies the charges.

• RIP Pulitzer Prize-winning novelist Cormac McCarthy—author of The Road and No Country for Old Men—who has died at the age of 89.

• And finally... cute, but I'd still return that watermelon to the grocery store.