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Good morning, Portland! On this day 100 years ago, Calvin Coolidge became the 30th president of the United States, following the sudden death of Warren G. Harding just two years into his presidency. Calvin Coolidge was a mixed bag as far as policy goes but I like that he kept a pet raccoon in the White House. The raccoon's name, obviously, was Rebecca. Hmm, what else?

In Local News:

  • Intel is planning a major expansion in Hillsboro to increase the company's output of microprocessors and also to make me have to look up things like "what are microprocessors." Kudos to the many Oregonians who might find good work with the state's largest private employer, and kudos to Intel for getting a shit-ton of state money and turning those public subsidies into shareholder wealth! 
  • The second magnitude 4 earthquake was detected off the Oregon coast this week, prompting people like me who are anxious yet useless to write an extensive notes app memo with the stuff I need for an emergency while doing nothing to acquire any of it. I hope you're more resourceful than I am.

  • The Portland Thorns are on track to get new ownership by the end of this year, according to a spokesperson for the team. Apparently it's been quite the process finding people with tens of millions of disposable dollars on hand! Weird.
  • Conservative writer Andy Ngo's lawsuit against Portland activists got going yesterday. Nothing happened yet, but stay tuned. I am preemptively expecting shenanigans.

  • An Oregon woman was rescued after her car plummeted into thick foliage by using her iPhone's emergency features. I'm starting a new memo in my notes app for what I should learn to do on my iPhone.
  • Portland's 48-Hour Film Project is coming soon and my buddy Ben wrote a great piece about it. Don't disappoint my buddy Ben, okay?
  • In "news about the news," Oregon's flagship newspaper, The Oregonian, announced that it will cut its print version to just four days a week. This news coming to you from a website that used to be a weekly paper! "Support local journalism," I yell from my gurgling bog beneath an abandoned Burger King.

In National/World News:

  • The nation is mourning another Black man murdered: 28-year-old New York dancer O'Shae Sibley was stabbed to death in a hate crime as he and his friends danced and vogued at a gas station. Rest in peace, O'Shae. Hold your friends close today. 
  • Failed water salesman and former American President Donald Trump was yesterday indicted for the third time since leaving office, this time for his alleged role in the attempt to overturn the results of the 2020 election that he lost to Joe Biden. Trump was indicted along with six co-conspirators who aren't named but are pretty easy to figure out. It's written like a game of Taboo, like "This former...city leader...known for...that one day in late summer with the jets, that we will always remember...whose scalp has been known to melt...you know who we mean." What will this mean for Trump's chances of becoming the Republican presidential nominee in 2024? Fuck all! It's happening!
  • Fox News host and former Real World San Francisco star Rachel Campos-Duffy said of the Trump indictments: "this is really the most dangerous moment I've seen in my lifetime" which is saying a lot because she was there when Puck put his fingers in the peanut butter jar after picking at his scabs.

  • The guy who is second behind Trump in the Republican presidential nomination race - but by, like, a lot - Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has eliminated the diversity and equity and inclusion initiatives at Disneyworld. The current head of the Central Florida Tourism Oversight District said that such initiatives were "un-American." Admittedly, based on our history of being a racist country, I could see how attempts to eradicate or lessen the impacts of racism could be seen as "un-American." Still, not a good look.

  • Not related thematically, but related geographically, Central Florida is a new hot spot for leprosy. Epcot: what don't they have??
  • I mentioned this yesterday, but the story has taken off: China zoo swears that its sun bears are not humans in bear costumes. When asked for comment, a sun bear said "No, I'm for sure an actual bear. Wait. Fuck. Grrr?"
  • The "Attenzione, Pickpocket!" lady has been milkshake ducked. Apparently she works for some far-right organization that hates bodily autonomy and gays. Back to rooting for pickpockets!
  • Some unfortunate news about Lizzo is unfolding, including a lawsuit by former dancers, and I will be paying attention to it even though it's a huge bummer!

That's all for now. Have a lovely day!